The Pathetic DC Sports Fans…and the Ever-Popular ‘Ellipsis’…

…the ‘what’…you might be saying…Ya mean you don’t know what an ellipsis is…well, here’s your answer…You just read through 7 of them in the past 4 seconds…I was perusing through a ‘technical’ writing book (yes, I do consider what I write here as being ‘technical’…very technical..) trying to improve myself and came across a section talking about an ‘ellipsis’ and it’s use in business writing…I really wasn’t paying attention until my eyes caught the 3 little dots after a sentence…I immediately thought, wait…these motherfuckers are steeling my writing style…Gammar invented the 3 little dots instead of a period to end most thoughts and sentences…What the fuck is with this ‘ellipsis’ thing…I continued reading as my blood pressure rose…It went on to define the ‘ellipsis’ as:  A series of dots (typically three, such as “…”) that usually indicates an intentional omission of a word, sentence, or whole section from a text without altering its original meaning…hmmm, really…that’s what I’ve been doing here for the past few years…I’m intentionally omissing a series of words without altering my original meaning…I don’t think so…An ‘ellipsis’ should be defined as someone just rambling away on the keyboard and the easiest way to end a sentence or thought is to just tap the ‘.’ keys 3 times with one’s right ring-finger…no space bar needed whatsoever…Come on…an ellipsis…gimme a fucking break with that term…should be called a ‘gammar’…

Okay, second thought…I’m very grateful to not have grown up in the DC area…Between the traffic, the expensiveness, the political rings, etc, I probably would’ve killed myself by now…(a little drastic, perhaps..)…But more importantly, if I grew up here, with my love of sports, I probably would’ve become a fan of the DC sports teams…and what a fucking nightmare that would be for me today…In case you need a quick recap… our teams (particularly 2 of them..) fucking dominate in the regular season and then shit-the-bed when the lights shine the brightest in the post-season…yeah, they fucking choke…that’s a better way to say it…Every fucking year it seems the city’s beloved Washington Capitals and Washington Nationals cruise through the regular season setting all kinds of records for winning their division/conference, blah, blah, blah…Too bad you don’t get trophies for that…And then the post-season starts and they forget how/are unable to perform…Sure, they come alive for stretches to force deciding games (mostly in their home arenas..) and give the fans much-needed hope and excitement…but then the diarrhea hits full-force leading to the same shit (…I know, just awful..) each year…A crushing loss leading the fans to ask, ‘what happened’…What incited me to write this are those ‘true, die-hard, passionate, loving’ fans who will post on Facebook afterwards shit like this, ‘What a great season the Nats had this year…such an exciting game…we were so close…so proud of them…we’ll get ’em next year..’  You know what this tells me…it tells me you’re not a competitor, you’ve never competed and been good enough to know what losing feels like…it sucks…Fuck next year…2 examples quickly came to mind with people like this…They might not be relevant at all, but I’m going to ramble more here and make you read them anyway…I feel like this ‘true, what a great season’ rah-rah fan would be happy for the person who just got the big promotion at work over themselves…Could that ever happen..??  Maybe with these sweet type of people…And, of course, this is the first thing that came to mind (probably no relevance whatsoever..)…you’re grinding at a video poker machine in a casino…the machine is letting you win just to keep your interest, but you’re not hitting anything substantial…you keep throwing money in it thinking, ‘it’s gonna hit, I can feel it..’ (Most people won’t feel or even understand this emotion…you have to have a gambling problem to experience it…it’s fucking wonderful, by the way..)…but it fucking doesn’t hit and finally after wasting a ton of money, you decide to move down a few machines and try your luck at a different one…within minutes, some loser sits down at your previous machine and before you know it, an attendant is standing over them handing them your money because that fucking loser just hit a jackpot…Are you fucking kidding me…Would you be happy for that person..??  Fuck no…but I feel like the lovable loser described above would go over there and give the winner a big ‘pat’ on the back and say, ‘Congratulations…I’m really happy for you…that was a great hit..’…Me, on the other hand, would want to punch the person square in the face and run off with some of the ‘jackpot’ money…Did this all make sense..??  If it didn’t, fuck it…it did to me…The bottom line is I don’t want to hear about how great the Caps and the Nats are during the regular season anymore…it doesn’t matter one bit…Why waste your time getting excited about regular season wins…We all know what happens when that season ends…their season basically ends…why put the fans through the torture of even playing the playoff games…

Did I mention above how fucking boring it is to watch a baseball game…Oh my God, I don’t know how people do it night after night…Don’t ever compare baseball to football…at least to me…you’ll never win that argument…I actually meant to talk about college football in this post, but as you probably can tell (if you made it this far..), I’ve rambled quite a bit and can for a while more if I get into my football rant…I’ll spare you, but reinforce my stance from last year — there’s no better sport in America than college football…just look at what happened last night…a shitty Syracuse team changed the entire landscape of the season last night as 24-point underdogs…Muchos gracias Orangemen, by the way…Every fucking game counts people…there’s no night’s off like the other sports can partake in…you take the night off in college football, your season pretty much ends if you’re a contender…argue that baseball geeks…

That’s enough here…Let’s hope Penn State is home resting…the 3-game gauntlet they have starting next week is brutal…They’ll never make it through that unscathed in my opinion…I’m a fucking realist, remember…

Sorry everyone…I was bad this morning…

I Just Passed…..

…actually blew right by…this fine piece of machinery….

I’m certainly not a ‘car’ person…but this garnered my attention…Pretty nice, huh Leo..??

…in the right, non-passing lane, no less…even him revving his engine up to 120,000 rpm’s (???’s..) was no match for the slick blue metallic Mazda3 I was navigating…Sorry buddy, better luck next time…

As for fitness today (remember, this is supposed to be a ‘fitness’ blog…I should probably mention something about it every now and then..)…I did 175 push-ups…in a row…225 jumping jacks, 150 windmills, 250 mountain climbers, and ended with 75 ‘reach-for-the-skies’…right after I did a few ‘hurdler’ stretches…I couldn’t feel any better right now…

Penn State needs to win convincingly tonight…..

 

 

Is That Wrong…

So I was headed back to beautiful, muggy Northern Virginia Sunday morning after surprising my parents up in lame Northeast Pennsylvania on Saturday…(I know it’s not a complete sentence, whatever…)…This was after a delightful day of visiting an aquarium, volunteering some time at a local shelter, and singing in the choir at church in the evening…Sure beats watching college football, gambling in a casino, or having a few drinks…I promise, we didn’t do any of those things…really didn’t have time…we were singing, remember….

Anyway, on my ride home, reminiscing about the rather powerful version of ‘Holy, Holy, Holy’ we belted out in the chorus the previous evening, I was completely relaxed and content.  We really fucking nailed that song, I have to admit…I’m basically a ‘cruise’ driver when it comes to driving long distances…I set the speedometer to how fast I want to go and just try to stay out of anyone’s way…Who am I kidding, I pretty much do that in any type of driving I do…I was in the right lane minding my own business listening to some Pearl Jam (‘Jeremy’ if you must know..) when I noticed a car in the passing lane approaching fairly fast…The problem was he was halfway out of his lane to the left and barely on the road…He corrected the problem rather quickly (most likely hit those built-in crevices, or whatever the hell they’re called, that make your car vibrate uncontrollably and make that loud, annoying noise that instantly wakes you up from a deep sleep..), veered somewhat back into the center of the lane and proceeded.  Luckily for me, his erraticness  behind me ended as he passed me in a flash and continued his loose driving…He went back and forth between lanes for a few more miles, but at least he was in front of me now and definitely exceeding my cruising speed.  As ‘Jeremy’ contemplated killing himself in the song (I think that’s what it’s about..), I contemplated how this jackass might kill himself or someone else if he keeps driving like he is…I was completely fascinated though…I had to make my way into the passing lane and was a good 75 yards behind the Swerver when I saw him completely bee-line to the right…There certainly wasn’t much road there and only about 10 yards of ditch/grass before a large scaled rock structure/small mountain awaited.  Luckily for Jeremy, the grass was fairly thick and he didn’t hit the structure as hard as he could have.  But how could I know for sure…’Wow’, I thought, ‘did that really just happen..??’  Hell yeah, it did…Small pieces of his car flew up onto the road for us to avoid, but not many…By the time (seconds) I got to where the crash took place, the guy was already out of the car and stumbling towards the road looking a bit disoriented, but not bloodied at all…I put my brakes on and contemplated moving over to the right lane to eventually stop and make sure the individual was okay, but then realized there was a car directly to my right…I couldn’t get over, and by then I was at least 100 yards past the accident scene.  There were 2 cars who were stopping, so I didn’t want to crowd the scene with my presence.  They could surely handle things.  As I drove a few more seconds, again, I said to myself, ‘wow’…this time followed by, ‘man, that was pretty cool..’…So, is that wrong..??

As for fitness, I watched an interview of a wrestler from Iowa claiming he could do 112 pull-ups in a row…not a fucking chance, dude…And there’s my fitness perspective, as you all anxiously wait for each week………

The Map…

So, to update my life…as I know you guys/gals all look forward to…I have a new human being inhabiting my 2nd 285-square-foot bedroom…no German Shepherd included, but she’s darling, I must say…smarter than me and all the stuffed animals I have living at my place combined…we say about 18 words to each other every day…it’s fucking great…About a week-and-a-half into her stay, she innocently asked me (via text..remember, we don’t want to waste our 18 words actually fucking speaking..) where the ‘garbage bin’ (her words) was at my complex…Since she’s so intelligent, I half-heartedly thought she was being sarcastic…I hate those type of people, by the way…I politely (as always..) responded saying I can direct her when she gets home…This was forgetting the fact that I go to bed at around 6:45PM each night…I totally forgot that part…(I know I already said that…that was the point…)…She’s a normal human being, so she stays up until at least 8:30 on school nights…I responded with this text (exact words) laying in bed at 6:51PM…

John-John:  The dumpster is pretty much diagonal from our building.  If you drive around the complex, you can’t miss it…nite…(remember, I was going to bed at fucking 6:54PM…)

She playfully responded (God only knows when…my stupid phone doesn’t tell me the exact time when people text when I turn it off…I’m sure I can fuck around with it to tell me, but I’m not that ambitious…)… : I’m still holding out for that map.  Followed by another separate text with an emoji…Gammar doesn’t do emoji’s…so that won’t show up here…sorry…

Upon seeing that at 2:30AM, I took a few hours before going to work in the morning to delicately and skillfully craft this piece of art to direct her…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m darling…

THE END

THE CROSSFIT GAMES…

…WOW…what a SPECTACLE this SHIT is…the brute strength, speed, determination, flexibility, power, agility, solitude (whatever..), dexterity, coordination and idiocy these people show…     ….     ….     …… ………  …..   sorry, I just needed some of my trademark to collect my thoughts here…Really…like I want to see these people doing thousands of shitty-ass pull-ups and running around in their matching tank-tops and tight-fit shorts (females not included..) racing to beat the clock after performing a few hundred clean-and-jerks and jumping jacks …it’s obviously a ‘dead’ season in sports, so I can understand why this shit is put on the air…I know, being an athlete myself, there were certain achievements I was proud of…I won’t deny it…I remember being a sophomore in college and maxing out on the bench at 125lbs…Man, I was proud…almost got the 45lb plates on each side…or hitting my longest drive on the golf course just a few years ago…it was downwind and downhill, but that fucker went at least 185 yards…and it was fucking straight too…but there was never a time in my functional life that I was required to carry a some sort of thousand-pound boulder an excessive distance to try and place it on a shelf above shoulder height (I know dipshits/haters, this is a ‘Strongman’ competition event..or perhaps it is part of your stupid competition…whatever..)…who does this shit…and who cares…The funny thing is I’ve never watched a fucking second of these ‘Games’…people text me asking if I’m watching and I just laugh…no thanks…watching Jordan Spieth cut a 190-yard 6-iron through a 4-inch gap in the trees fulfills all my entertainment needs…I spent my life in fitness and met so many great people…and I’m truly grateful…I traveled to so many great places because of them…played golf courses I should never step foot on…but you know what, the Crossfit Games…I can really give a…..

…about…

It’s called having a sense of humor people…you should try and get one if you find this offensive…I feel bad for you as well…

Finish the deal Zach…finish the fucking deal…

 

 

 

 

 

Lesson Learned…

So we all check our mail…these days, it’s pretty much useless though, considering most of us pay all our bills online and the only shit we get in our boxes are advertisements and promotions trying to get us to use one product/service or another…holy fuck, if I get another Verizon special offering me their ‘triple play’ for 17 cents a month plus a $700 gift card upon subscribing, I’m gonna kill someone…like anyone needs a ‘landline’ these days…Maybe I’ll go out and buy one of those rotary phones where you put your finger in the little hole of the number and circle it to the left to dial…Remember those days…Anyway…(this was supposed to be a short post, by the way..)…when you see your mail, I’m pretty confident we all know at first glance what’s remotely important and what’s total junk…For some reason, I’m the idiot who opens each and every time the American Express fucking ‘Blue Platinum’ card envelope I get every week even though there’s a -10% chance I’m going to sign up for it…I guess I just like the feeling of ripping the opened papers in two after doing it…So does my Father…Anyway (again..), the following is the reason you should always open each and every piece of mail you receive…this looked like a ‘useless’ envelope, but what it contained truly changed my life…you’ll understand why now…

Son-of-a-bitch…how cool is this shit…although I’ll probably never actually really retire because I like to work and stay busy, this has me thinking about it…I haven’t deposited it yet, but I’ve planned to not use the ATM method I always utilize…I’m actually going to go into the physical bank (for the first time in 4 years…) just to make sure all of this currency makes it into my account…I can’t wait to see the look on the teller’s face when she gets a hold of this check…She’ll probably have to call the bank manager to verify and notarize everything…Don’t worry, I have no idea what ‘notarizing’ means either…It’s been a great couple days after receiving this…I truly feel like I’ve been blessed in some way, even though I really don’t deserve it…does being a ‘dick’ and criticizing everyone/everything qualify someone for this amount of money…Okay, maybe I do deserve it…

Well, here’s the ‘dick’ coming out in me again…I lied…this was a piece of mailing I didn’t really ignore…As you can see, it did have the same ‘Gap’ emblem on the envelope…I recently used a gift card online that honored a few different stores including The Gap, Old Navy, Banana Republic, Athleta, etc…I didn’t need any yoga pants from the latter store, so I focused on the others…My main objective was to obtain a new ‘bathing suit’…as we Pennsylvania people call them…the 2 Abercrombie and Fitch ones I have from the 90’s are fucking old and a bit out of style at the moment…My first look online was to Banana Republic…I thought I was missing something when I scrolled every which way to learn that the cheapest ‘swimware’ bathing suit they offered was a measly $120…I thought I might have been seeing the ‘zero’ at the end by mistake…Jesus Christ…for $120, this bathing suit better be doing something other for/to me than just protecting me from the water I’m about to dive into…Moving on…The Gap (I can’t believe these stores are still in business, by the way…they seem sooooo old..) offered much better prices, but $40 still seemed like a bit much for swim trunks…On to Old Navy…jackpot…Not to bore you with excessive details (because I never do that..), I found 2 bathing suits and 3…no, wait, I’m lying…sorry…I found a bathing suit and a pair of ‘board’ shorts that I liked…I know what you’re thinking…”What the FUCK are ‘board’ shorts”…Don’t worry, I didn’t know either…but I did purchase them for $14…I assumed the ‘board’ signifies some form of ‘surfing’ or ‘surfboard’, but really…what percentage of people around the world actually fucking ‘surf’…come on, really…are you selling fucking ‘board’ shorts to people who live in South Dakota and fucking Iowa…have they ever even seen a fucking ocean before…Alright, sorry…the f-bomb meter is running a bit high right now…To make a long story short, which is impossible for me…I got 20% of my online order correct to Old Navy…I knew there was a reason why I tend not to purchase clothing online…The ‘bathing suit’ I ordered fit fine…The cool-looking ‘board’ shorts were not to my liking…along with the 3 ‘medium’ logo-ed ‘tees’ I bought…I’ve lifted a weight or two in my life, so my arms and chest do have a little bulk to them…just a little these days…So I had to send them back and order the ‘large’ versions of the ‘logo-ed’ tees and just another regular fucking bathing suit…The sweet lady I spoke to said they would just issue a ‘gift’ card back to me in the amount of the 4 items returned…So…when I saw that envelope with ‘Gap’ on the front, I assumed it was the gift card as the time-table was about right on when it should arrive…I actually felt the envelope as it didn’t appear physically there was any sort of plastic card in it…And there wasn’t…what I got was the above…Life is good…

And for those people who didn’t believe last week’s post…shame on you…

I’m not sure who that other sub-human is on the left in the background…certainly doesn’t look like my brother with those sideburns…For those keeping score, my favorite, ‘Sko’, is directly under my right arm/elbow….LeHarve is to the right of the ‘Happy Birthday John-John’ signage (kind of hard to see him in his worn-out yellow ‘polo’..)…not sure how he was able to handle all the larger animals (especially that huge fucking panda bear hugging the heart) on the mats though…tough little motherfucker, I guess…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A good friend of mine actually asked, ‘Did your Mom really do that to you..??’…such a sweet kid…Devilish Janet also took away my George Carlin (cassette) tapes when I was 7…I bet she still listens to them on occasion…very funny shit…Hmmm…I wonder if my ‘bad’ language problem has anything to do with those recordings…

Does Jordan Spieth ever miss a fucking putt…

By the way, that was the last time I wore a shirt and tie…God, why do I have so much fucking hair………

Off to church to hear some gospels and psalms…………