WEIGHT LOSS 101…

I’m about to chronicle a sure-fire way to lose 10LBS in about 4 days…without even trying…Pay attention though, the details are intricate…WARNING:  this may get a little graphic…and not in the way that you’re used to from me…(well, that way too…)…

I truly believe this all started to manifest itself on Saturday, February 3rd where 2 fellow referees and I had to endure a 6-man bracket taking nearly 10 hours to complete on 2 wrestling mats…I know this means absolutely nothing to the majority of you, but needless to say, THAT’S WAY TOO FUCKING LONG…this could’ve been done in 5 hours tops if run correctly…and as you guys probably remember, blowing the whistle isn’t my favorite thing to do in the winter…Oh well, there goes my Saturday…

The next day is Super Bowl Sunday and for as big as a sports fan as I am, I really could give a shit about pro football…College is so much better and a hundred times more exciting…Anyway, I piddled around all day, had a few beers, ate some shitty food and actually went to bed at halftime hoping to wake up and see that the Eagles won…..

Monday, 2/5…

Well, Monday started as well as it could as my laptop told me the Eagles took down the defending champs…good for them…Still have to go to fucking work though…Felt fine going there, but didn’t have my usual appetite around 7AM…Barely got down a chicken burrito, but nonetheless, I did…Rarely do I have to force myself to eat something…Very odd, but whatever…I’ll live…

10AM — Am I really feeling nauseous..??  Really…I think that’s what this is…What the hell is going on…

11AM — Yes, this is full-blown nauseousness now…it’s not going away…I first start thinking about inducing vomiting (the single worst bodily function a human has to go through..) now…That should make me feel better, right..??

12 Noon — Yep, I’m going to make myself fucking throw-up, I can’t take it anymore…and I did…and it was the same worst feeling as I always remember it to be…it all came out eventually though…toilet bowl looked nice and clean as well…

12:45PM — Didn’t help…still nauseous…Starting to get the chills now…just great…I must be coming down with something…

1PM — Can’t function at work like this, so I leave…Horrible drive home feeling worse and more tired by the second…something’s definitely not right…

1:30PM — Get out of my car at my house and it feels like it’s 10 degrees out…I’m fucking freezing…Make it up to my condo, walk right into my bedroom, shut the door, take off my shoes, bypass the bathroom and crawl right in bed…I need all the covers I can grab and pull them up just about over my head…I’m so cold……

5:30PM — Wake up randomly and realize the chills are gone at least…I might live…I’m half-sweating as well due to still having all my clothes on…I never sleep like that, by the way…Despite having no appetite whatsoever, I decide to get up and have some chicken soup (out of a fucking can, unfortunately..)…and a few pretzels…it goes down fine but can’t eat or even feel like eating anymore…I’m still tired…off to bed again…without all my clothes on this time…

Tuesday, 2/6…

I sleep relatively okay, for me…I don’t have the chills anymore, but notice that my stomach is still upset though…I get up for work normally and struggle through the morning debating if I should go home or not…I’m just not feeling good again…I’m trying to drink water thinking that will help, but I don’t think it is…Eventually, I start to feel a bit better and continue to work throughout the day…I eat breakfast and lunch normally, but not nearly as much as I usually do…Usually I have to stop myself from eating too much…I’m a pig…

5PM — I get home, eat a very small dinner and decide again, I’m tired…so I crawl in bed and go to bed…Yes, it’s just after 5 o’clock…you read that correctly…

8PM – 4AM — Warning:  graphicity will kick in here (not a word, I know..)…I wake up a bit after 8PM, look at the clock and wonder what the fuck is going on…I come to my senses and realize I slept for about 3 hours…I definitely have to piss, and realize I might have to do the ‘other’ thing too…(I warned ya)…I complete the first act standing up no problem…and then sat down and completed the same act, just from a different place…I hope I don’t have to expand on this…Definitely a good flow I must say…I proceed to do this 2nd act about 10 times throughout the night thinking the more I can get out, the better I’ll start to feel…Good rationale, huh…I certainly tried my best…I must interject here and mention that this wasn’t the dreaded diar______…..impossible to spell word…With that, you’re practically running to the bathroom in dire need…I had none of that…These were just casual visits trying to empty myself out…That was a fun paragraph, huh….

Wednesday, 2/7…

Pretty much more of the same — lack of appetite, stomach still moderately upset, not feeling myself, peeing standing and sitting down…great times…Finally decide I should put an end to the sitting down ‘part’ and upset stomach by taking some stomach relief shit…It doesn’t really kick in that day, but at least I didn’t just come home and go to sleep…I made it to the gym and actually had a snack before going to bed that night at 7:30………..

Thursday, 2/8…

Wake up feeling hungry…and normal…FUCKING YES..!!  About time…While I’m in the shower, I feel skinny and decide to weigh myself upon getting out…I dry myself off and hop on my digital scale hoping to make weight…And yes sir, I do…down 10+ pounds since God only knows the last time I weighed myself…a solid 128LBS now…At least I got something out of these past 4 days…

If you have any questions about any of this, please let me know and I will expand upon what I’ve written above…Good luck..!!

 

APOLOGY…

…to this guy…

You should know who this is…if you read and retain…I came home from school one day decades ago and was immediately greeted by the above (ears down, tail wagging uncontrollably, jumping all over me..)…I, of course, was just as excited to see him and acted accordingly…I petted his head, wrestled a bit with him and let the excitement recede…After 45 minutes or so, my Mom approached and asked if I knew what I forgot to do that morning before going to school…’Fuck’, I thought…I forgot to unplug the toaster…nope…I didn’t turn off the oven that the cinnamon buns were in…shit, I could’ve burned the house down…not good…Not that either…My mind was racing at this point…Although I don’t remember all the exact details of this day, I can infer that it wasn’t during wresting season as I probably would’ve went off on my Mom for even talking to me…(Remember, I was a miserable son-of-a-bitch starving myself to make weight on Wednesday or Saturday..)…She said again I was wrong on both guesses…As Rambo still showed his excitement for me being home (an hour in now..), Janet informed me that I failed to bring Rambo ‘in’ before heading off to school…that means he was outside for at least 8 hours by himself…all alone with his chain that only allowed about a 50 foot radius…poor dog…I felt sick to my stomach when I was told the news…How could I do that to my buddy…You know what though, menacing Rambo didn’t care…No one was allowed to walk by our house without him barking to make his presence known…If you had male genitalia, forget it, you were fucked…Rambo didn’t like that…(sorry Mike Plasco..)…A pretty female face and body though..(Alauna, Karen, Carie Ann..), Rambo was okay with that…Just like he was okay with me forgetting to bring him ‘in’ that morning…

I know, I know…we all love our dogs to death…And this is just me ranting about my ‘favorite’ dog…but Rambo was special…after the 42nd time he was reported to the Cops for attacking someone…or something…they finally arrived at our doorstep to take him away…we knew we could be losing him…Our ‘special’ dog just sat behind the screen door (that he ripped through plenty of times..) while my parents interacted with the authority and did just that…SAT…no barking, no violent actions towards people being outside our house…he just sat there, ears up and alert like a true German Shepherd looking the part…Did I mention how fucking smart this dog was……..

Here’s a picture of him…in case you were wondering what he looked like…

Yours truly…

RAMBO

 

 

‘Keep Your Wrists Straight…’

…and Happy New Year to me…The above was the advice I received the other day by one of the renowned Gold’s Gym trainers…I was comfortably minding my own business (as usual..) performing a bicep curl on a Free Motion ‘Lat’ machine (I would try to explain this exercise for you, but it’s just way too complex…I’d definitely lose you after the first couple sentences…yes, it would take that long to describe…you know I like my detail..)…Normally, I would venture close by to another machine or area to do a bicep exercise (I just did a ‘lat’ pulldown..), but if I would have done that, I would be wandering around for endless minutes just trying to find another machine or area to occupy…Ya know, all these New Year’s resolutions being acted upon the first few weeks of the new year…Here’s some advice to those:  Just fucking give up right now…you’re not going to stick with it and you’re only going to piss yourself off even more in 2 months when you step on the scale and the digits have increased since your last visit on it…You couldn’t stick to the plan once again…no will power, no motivation, no control of your life…Harsh reality…but the truth…

Ooops, sorry…getting back to the main point here…after 7 or 8 reps, I’m bombarded by…we’ll call her ‘Sandra’ (she just looks like a Sandra…I see her all the time and have probably seen her name tag with her correct name…but since she’s kinda plain and nondescript, I simply don’t remember what she’s called in life…By the way, ‘Barbie’ is still around and doing her thing…I know I haven’t mentioned her in a while…still breaks my heart every time I see her…)…She appears out of nowhere on my right and immediately motions to her wrist and says, ‘Keep your wrists straight..’…I surprisingly look up and recognize her and the perplexed look on my face (I guess..) elicits her to repeat her command…Granted, I have headphones in, but heard all 8 of her syllables…(the fucked up thing is the headphones I’m currently wearing are just about on their last leg…I buy the $10-$15 Skull Candy shit ones as spending any more than that is a complete waste to me…Usually after 4 months or so, one side just stops working and no sound is produced…that’s my cue to buy a new $10-$15 pair…the ones I currently have are hanging on by a thread…I can barely hear anything on one side and the other side is definitely not as loud as it should be…For some reason though, I won’t replace them even though I have a brand new spanking pair in my dresser drawer…don’t ask, I can’t figure myself out either sometimes…)…and that’s why I heard what Sandra said clearly…It actually could have been, ‘Don’t bend your wrists’, but the 4-syllable meaning is obviously the same…

At this point, I wanted to stop the exercise, take my deteriorating headphones out and calmly say, ‘Do you know who you’re talking to sweetie…(she wouldn’t..)…I’m Gammar, the No Sweat Trainer…I write a blog about this shithole you work in…Of the 63 people doing the most ridiculous shit all around us, you pick me to apprehend..’…Kind of hope I get a second chance to say this and see her response…I doubt I will…

In reality, I simply nodded my head, half-smiled, said ‘Okay, thanks..’ and continued bending and not keeping my wrists straight for the next 3 or 4 reps…What a sweetheart that Sandra is trying to help a complete stranger with their exercise technique…The problem is, my wrists were about as straight as they possibly could be…She ended the dialogue by nodding her head, physically touching my right bicep and taking her syllable total up to 13, ‘you’ll feel it more here’…Pretty bold move there by Ms. Sandy, wouldn’t you say…I’ve worked in gyms for years and don’t ever recall doing such a thing to a complete stranger…I asked to talk to the manager about it and file a complaint, but he was in a meeting……..

Gonna try and play some golf this afternoon…it’s supposed to warm up to 17 degrees with the wind only blowing about 20mph…I expect to strike it solid….

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!!!!!

!!!SAMTSIRHC MERRY

I really, really wish I can take credit for this clever piece of writing coming up…I’m in a college football bowl pool and the guy who runs it sent this years ago…He sends the same thing every year and every year I look forward to it and laugh like it’s the first time I read it…Very cute, in my opinion…

A ‘heads up’ to those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot. Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th, December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99.

If you didn’t at least smile, you have no hope…I feel bad for ya…

Lastly, I finally found a place for my awesome piece of artwork I was given…Reminds me every minute I watch TV just how fucking awesome the Saw movies are…

Hmmm…Retherford won a match…that’s odd…

Merry Christmas Everybody…

Warmest regards,

John-John

 

 

New Hobby…??

If you’re one of the 9 people who actually read this religiously, you’ve recently come across some artwork I sketched for my loving roommate…It was a full-blown, full-detailed map of how to get to our tricky dumpster here at my condo complex…It took time and energy, but it helped her and also made me appreciate how hard work and patience can make a person feel…I took my time with that drawing and was very gratified when she told me she located the dumpster with no problem after using the map…It’s a real shame if you didn’t see it…you can obviously look back a couple posts and get a glimpse if you’d like though…Which leads me to my next piece which I worked on the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving into Thanksgiving morning…I didn’t get much sleep, but the final product was to my liking…I struggled with the turkey, but don’t all people struggle trying to sketch that unordinary animal…Here’s what I left my roommate for Thanksgiving…

The lettering gave me fits as well, but I think it got the point across…After taking the time to put together these 2 pieces, I’m thinking of possibly taking some Art classes in my spare time to bolster my skill level…They might not do anything, as I feel my Art is unique, but it’s always a good idea to try and improve, right..??

Now, it’s obvious by the above that my roommate has enrolled in these Art classes I spoke of…Her turkey is just a bit better than mine, but again, she’s been taking these classes for years now…She left this for me on the Turkey holiday…The fact she threw in the football references further motivates me to enroll in these classes to enhance the thought process behind putting together a successful piece of art…not sure why the fucking goal post is crooked though…I’ll let it slide…

Now, after those 2 (way) above average pieces of art, I thought I would leave you with one that definitely needs a bit of work…but certainly has potential…there’s so much shit going on in it with the clashing colors going everywhere, it’s hard to focus on just one thing…Like I said, it needs some definite touch-up work in many areas, but certainly appreciate the guys having this for me one day when I came to work…

…’I Want To Play A Game’…what the fuck does that mean..??

Anyway, I’ll keep you posted on my Art pursuit and try to put something else together in the next few weeks for you to enjoy…

I went to the gym today and did 30 minutes on the stairmill and lifted a few weights over my head…thus concludes the fitness segment of this post….

TIGER……………

Pee Bee Die…

…I know you guys have been waiting and wondering how my Santa Claus act/golf tournament went last weekend.  Well, let’s just say — the kids were happy (with their $3 toys…I’m sorry again boys and girls..) and the squad was happy…our ball-striking was wonderful, spectacular at times…and we only lost by 9 shots…It’s not all about winning folks…Some people love to post on social media what they eat or drink…and that’s fine..(not really..)..I’ll show you what a real golf course looks like and what makes Gammar happy for a day…I’m sure you guys think I’m never happy with all my negative bantering…not the case…

The entrance…had a good feeling when I saw this sign…(why is this damn picture so tall though..)
The view…that damn umbrella just jumped in the way at the moment of picture-taking impact…still gorgeous though…in these eyes…
Short Par 3 — Hole #2…bladed a shitty 9-iron short of the green…Made a nice 20-foot bender for birdie for our first circle of the day though…we high-fived each other (not pictured here..)
Signature Par 3 11th Hole — Struck a 7-iron perfect just short of the bunker on the right (that little white dot to the left of the pine tree straight ahead over the water..)…Looks like a long way, doesn’t it…only about 150 yards downhill…we made par…we didn’t high-five…

Bored yet…Alright, picture/story time is over…at least I’m not cursing every 15 words, right…

And afterwards….

HEY MARYLAND LIVE CASINO…….

…WE WON THIS TIME…

Actually won the pullover in the raffle at the tournament…pretty good day for John-John…

And finally…my loving roommate mentioned how cold my place was last week when the temperature dropped…She asked if she could turn on the heat to warm-up and of course, I said ‘yes’…I do like to keep the place cold, but I’m not an idiot and refuse to turn on the heat all winter…I expected her to flip it on that night, but when I got up for work, it was still a bit chilly…She mentioned she could barely make it to the bathroom in the mornings because she’s so cold (she even demonstrated the way she has to walk…not pictured here…cute though..)…I think she’s trying to make me feel bad — it worked…So Friday, before I left for work at 3AM, I walked over to the thermostat (that’s certainly a word I don’t write much..), brought my right hand up and flipped the little switch to ‘heat’…it kicked on immediately and the heat was flowing…I walked out into the cold with a wry smile on my face…

Can you say the ‘D’ word again……D*R*I*G….

I can……..

 

Guess Who….

….these are for..??  You have no chance, so I might as well just go ahead and tell you…Me and ‘the squad’ are playing in a Turkey Shoot scramble golf tournament this morning…the entry fee is $99…pretty fucking steep… but the course is really fucking good…so I’ll pay it, no problem…The caveat (whatever that means..) is if you bring an unwrapped toy, the entry fee goes down to $89…(starting to piece together the photo above yet..??)…much more affordable now, right..??  The tournament supports a good cause as it’s benefitting Toys for Tots…Now, I could’ve just rolled my ass out of bed this morning, ran my 5 miles, finish editing this lump of words, drove my ass the 56 miles up to the course, unloaded my clubs, and handed the cashier a crisp $100 bill and be done with it…but no sir, not this caring, thoughtful guy…After stopping off at the bank yesterday after work, I drove an extra 0.4 miles out of my way to stop at Toys-R-Us to pick up a few toys for the tots…to benefit the kids of course, not to save $10 on the entry fee…the money is not the issue here at all…As I formulated this kind gesture in my mind, I pictured myself walking out of the store with a couple action figures from like He-Man and Skeletor or something…ya know, shit that I got when I was a kid…they probably cost about $10 or so…I put it in my mind though to spend about $5 because the money isn’t important, remember…I’m not trying to save anything…it’s the thought that counts…I was a bit nervous about what I could get for that amount though…I was also nervous about what I was to find in Toys-R-Us, as I haven’t been in one in about 15 years…who knows what these stores even look like nowadays…do kids even play with fucking toys anymore..??  Don’t they all have cell phones and tablets starting at age 3…Luckily, I hit the jackpot as about 20 steps in I came across a ‘discount’ bin (I guess..) to my right advertising $1, $3, and $5 toys…I didn’t even think about the $1 toys…give me a break, what kind of toy can you get for a fucking dollar…I also couldn’t live with myself if I spent $3 for 3 toys…well, maybe I could…Anyway, I bypassed those and let my eyes wander to the $3 racks…’Come on John, you cheap fuck, don’t do it…you’re better than that’…And I am…I bypassed those as well and headed to the expensive shit…You’ll still be +$5 if you buy the $5 toys and of course, you’ll get more quality for that price…After about 18 seconds of diligent searching, I made the final decision to purchase what you see above…Some life skills will be built with these toys was my thought…I embarrassingly went to check out as I figured the girl manning the register would immediately know I got these from the clearance rack, but fuck it…she’ll never see me again after today…I still felt awkward though…As I watched her ring them in, I saw the total go from $5 to around $8 and end at $11 and change…Jesus Christ John…it doesn’t take 2 years of majoring in Math (God, I should’ve stuck with it…) to figure out I got a $5 toy and 2 $3 pieces of crap…I’m pathetic…can’t even spend $5 on a needful little boy or girl…(Notice how I bought 3 — you may be wondering why 3…well, because I don’t anticipate ‘the squad’ performing this gesture…sorry boys..)…The toys will still put a smile on a few kids’ faces though, I thought…Now granted, I’m sure I’ll have no problem doling out $20 for 3 beers on the golf course to the cute cart-girl a few times tomorrow…but yet I’m shopping at the discount rack for the poor kids…You know what though, for all you people who read this (7 maybe..) consistently and say to yourself, ‘why does John have to be so mean and nasty to everyone…why does he make fun of everyone and everything…can’t he just be nice for once’…Well, I’m proud of myself and believe I’ve topped the ‘nice’ category with this gesture…Actually….

I’M DARLING…….

 

(…fucking again………)

Stranger CRAP…….

….are you kidding me with this show…Sorry, sorry, I mean ‘Stranger Things’…that (supposedly) smash hit airing its second season on Netflix…I checked out the 1st season just because of all the rage and fanfare I was hearing…Ya know, it probably would’ve been creepy or scary…if I was fucking 7 years old…I can’t even remember how the season ended…All I can recall was there were a bunch of little kids riding around on their bikes all 10 seasons looking for a friend who was lost, or kidnapped, or missing…whatever…there is some sort of reference to a monster randomly throughout the entire 500 minutes and then finally at the end, that so-called ‘scary’ monster appears…and does…well, I have no idea what it does and what the cliffhanger is going into this ‘much-anticipated’ 2nd season…You know why…because the show was awful…not worth remembering…Yet, full-grown adults were counting down the days to watch this ‘kid’s show…Am I missing something here…??  I doubt it…when it comes to creepy and scary, I know my shit…Get out of here Stranger Things…you’re right ahead of Fuller House on the fear meter…

On the other hand, I spent a quiet evening in my 75 square foot luxury home nestled up on my couch in front of the fireplace with a few bottles of White Zinfandel at my side watching an American movie classic —- SAW II —- I’ve seen the original numerous times, so I figured I’d watch the sequel in spirit of the great Halloween holiday approaching…Usually I have my laptop in my lap (where it’s supposed to be, right..) fiddling around on whatever…not last night…I set it aside, kept my wine Zinfandel glass half-full and enjoyed 94 minutes of pure entertainment, terror and gore…The only interruptions were my bladder and throwing some more logs on the fire…It was a bit chilly here in Ashburn, VA…My loyal readers will remember that I placed the ‘Saw’ series #2 in my horror movie rankings (still my best post to date, in my opinion..)…If Mikey Myers wasn’t such a bad-ass and scary as fuck, this would be at the top…I almost jumped off the couch last week when I actually watched a commercial and saw they came out with another installment, ‘Jigsaw’…Even though it’s the 18th one, I guarantee it will be clever and suspenseful…What I did remember about Saw dos was the opening scene…This could be the best opening 3-plus minutes to a horror film ever…wanna see…sure, here ya go…Turn the volume up and watch at your own peril…and don’t be a pussy and turn it off after 45 seconds…

WOW…so fucking good…how could you not want to watch the next 90 minutes after that…he died, by the way…..poor bastard….

(The stopwatch you hopefully saw if you watched the entire clip looks just like the one my loving parents bought me when I was seven to use when I refereed my stuffed animals wrestling…you remember that, right..??  See, something special can come out of everything….I cried when that damn thing broke…it wasn’t attached to a ‘Death-Trap’ either…just so you know..)

Man, it’s your lucky day today…I’m gonna throw in some fitness for ya as well…Have you seen the latest, greatest exercise going around…Sorry, I’m lying, I’ve seen it for years, but just haven’t commented on it…Pay attention, this is complex shit here…This is a predominantly masculine event as the male will grab a pair of heavy dumbbells…one in each hand (amazing, I know..)…and then walk around the gym with them…and then walk around some more with them…and then continue walking…and then put them down and  move on to something else…Yes, that is the exercise people…fucking walking with heavy dumbbells for a period of time…make sure you have a grueling look on your face as well so everyone knows how difficult it is…pretty exciting, huh…Yeah, I know the fucking functional purpose behind it, but even if I was told doing this exercise every day would add 10 years to my life, I’d still be too embarrassed to perform it in public…I just can’t do something so ridiculous…I love fitness…and people…

I’ll leave you with this…God, I hope and pray I can post this on Facebook tonight with the perfect caption that 4 people will get…Let’s Go Boys….

..2nd ‘selfie’ ever…I shared the 1st  with you as well…This one is much more adorable though….(I miss you Deuce…)

Bye…