Guess Who….

….these are for..??  You have no chance, so I might as well just go ahead and tell you…Me and ‘the squad’ are playing in a Turkey Shoot scramble golf tournament this morning…the entry fee is $99…pretty fucking steep… but the course is really fucking good…so I’ll pay it, no problem…The caveat (whatever that means..) is if you bring an unwrapped toy, the entry fee goes down to $89…(starting to piece together the photo above yet..??)…much more affordable now, right..??  The tournament supports a good cause as it’s benefitting Toys for Tots…Now, I could’ve just rolled my ass out of bed this morning, ran my 5 miles, finish editing this lump of words, drove my ass the 56 miles up to the course, unloaded my clubs, and handed the cashier a crisp $100 bill and be done with it…but no sir, not this caring, thoughtful guy…After stopping off at the bank yesterday after work, I drove an extra 0.4 miles out of my way to stop at Toys-R-Us to pick up a few toys for the tots…to benefit the kids of course, not to save $10 on the entry fee…the money is not the issue here at all…As I formulated this kind gesture in my mind, I pictured myself walking out of the store with a couple action figures from like He-Man and Skeletor or something…ya know, shit that I got when I was a kid…they probably cost about $10 or so…I put it in my mind though to spend about $5 because the money isn’t important, remember…I’m not trying to save anything…it’s the thought that counts…I was a bit nervous about what I could get for that amount though…I was also nervous about what I was to find in Toys-R-Us, as I haven’t been in one in about 15 years…who knows what these stores even look like nowadays…do kids even play with fucking toys anymore..??  Don’t they all have cell phones and tablets starting at age 3…Luckily, I hit the jackpot as about 20 steps in I came across a ‘discount’ bin (I guess..) to my right advertising $1, $3, and $5 toys…I didn’t even think about the $1 toys…give me a break, what kind of toy can you get for a fucking dollar…I also couldn’t live with myself if I spent $3 for 3 toys…well, maybe I could…Anyway, I bypassed those and let my eyes wander to the $3 racks…’Come on John, you cheap fuck, don’t do it…you’re better than that’…And I am…I bypassed those as well and headed to the expensive shit…You’ll still be +$5 if you buy the $5 toys and of course, you’ll get more quality for that price…After about 18 seconds of diligent searching, I made the final decision to purchase what you see above…Some life skills will be built with these toys was my thought…I embarrassingly went to check out as I figured the girl manning the register would immediately know I got these from the clearance rack, but fuck it…she’ll never see me again after today…I still felt awkward though…As I watched her ring them in, I saw the total go from $5 to around $8 and end at $11 and change…Jesus Christ John…it doesn’t take 2 years of majoring in Math (God, I should’ve stuck with it…) to figure out I got a $5 toy and 2 $3 pieces of crap…I’m pathetic…can’t even spend $5 on a needful little boy or girl…(Notice how I bought 3 — you may be wondering why 3…well, because I don’t anticipate ‘the squad’ performing this gesture…sorry boys..)…The toys will still put a smile on a few kids’ faces though, I thought…Now granted, I’m sure I’ll have no problem doling out $20 for 3 beers on the golf course to the cute cart-girl a few times tomorrow…but yet I’m shopping at the discount rack for the poor kids…You know what though, for all you people who read this (7 maybe..) consistently and say to yourself, ‘why does John have to be so mean and nasty to everyone…why does he make fun of everyone and everything…can’t he just be nice for once’…Well, I’m proud of myself and believe I’ve topped the ‘nice’ category with this gesture…Actually….



(…fucking again………)

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