All posts by Gammar

About Gammar

I am a very observant, sarcastic personal trainer who notices everything around him, especially the ridiculous antics of many gym-goers...and I love to write about them (unfortunately for the public). My book, 'No Sweat', was published a few years ago and I'm starting a blog to expand upon it...I totally respect hard work and effort though...If you show me that, chances are I won't comment about you...unless you dress, act, or do something outrageous...then you're fair game...

WillPower and Wrastling…

With my last few posts focusing on anything but fitness (that’s really not true…wrestling is sort of fitness-related), it got me thinking about one of the most popular topics in the health and fitness industry — losing weight.  And basically my thoughts were, ya know, just do it.  We did it as immature, irresponsible kids, why can’t mature, responsible adults do it.  I can’t remember anyone on my team or the opposing team for that matter ever being overweight and not being able to compete.  Just fucking do what you have to do and shed a few pounds.  Ya think I wanted to get up and run 5 miles this morning before finishing writing this…I know a friend out West who probably doubled my mileage after drinking 5 or 6 cosmos last night without batting an eye (I think that’s the right expression..)…I remember my Mom always saying I had great ‘willpower’ during wrestling season…one can define that however one wants, but I always thought of it as being able to contain myself and not overeat or drink…A client gave me some Girlscout cookies a few weeks ago…I could easily have eaten the entire box in one sitting (really isn’t that much…they really should put more in those boxes for the price), but I don’t…I have a few at a time and that’s that…

I’m actually glad I went on my run this morning as I remembered what I came up with a few weeks ago when thinking about writing this post.  How about this scenario — Every time a person goes to a trainer for advice to lose weight, they immediately go to their local bank afterward.  If a person tells the trainer they want to lose 20 pounds in a few months, then their bank account is deducted $1000 every week they don’t lose at least a pound.  And there’s no backing out of the initial agreement.  Ya think that’ll motivate some people to stick to what their trainer or just common sense tells them.  I guarantee more results with my plan…

Not to beat a dead horse here, but I’ll always remember an overweight client telling me 2 things years ago.  She’s a person who did every class known to man, belonged to 4 gyms, tried every diet, yada, yada, yada…’I can’t do cardio John, it’s too boring’ and ‘I can’t get up before 8 o’clock to exercise, I’m too tired’…I can’t believe you’re so fucking lazy is what I wanted to say…I didn’t though…People like her have no chance and deserve to called the 3-letter ‘f’ word…she’s fat, and always will be…don’t take offense…

I know a Serbian amateur star tennis player who lost 25-30 lbs in 6 months no problem.  Ya know why, she worked her ass off and started eating better.  I’ve been friends with a guy who I’ve given endless advice and training over the years only to see his weight yo-yo up and down without ever coming close to reaching his goal.  Within the past 18 months, after finally bearing down on his eating and exercising, he’s lost close to 40 lbs and I can barely recognize the skinny fuck…and I say that in the nicest way possible.  Our good friend QOS on the site here squatted and ran/hobbled her way to earning the name ‘skinny’ from me within months of us initially meeting.  For some reason, these people give credit to me, but I did absolutely nothing besides keep them company while they worked their ass off.  It can be done people, just go and do it…..

Okay, okay…that’s enough of this serious shit…You all know how much I love sports of all kinds.  March Madness this time of year is fantastic, football is always king, and I’ll even delve into the NBA and NHL playoffs when they start in a few weeks.  And who cannot wait for the greatest 4-day event in sports which starts in a few weeks.  With all that said, last Saturday night was 3 of the greatest hours of sports I’ve ever watched.  And it wasn’t March Madness…It was the NCAA Wrestling Championships.  Granted, I’m biased…Penn State crowned 5 straight individual National Champions to end the night and ran away with the team championship to make it 6 of the last 7 years.  Just the way shit went down made it all so awesome…I’ve had a bunch of wrestling (not Penn State fans per se) fans say the same thing.  There were upsets and plenty of drama around every corner…Even people who know nothing about the sport would’ve enjoyed it…I guarantee that…

The one example that came to mind when I thought about other great sporting events was watching Tiger play on a broken leg (not known at the time) in the 2008 US Open in primetime.  Nothing better than watching Tiger and a Major tournament when it’s dark outside and the beers are flowing…Denise, Vinny and Lori shared this great evening as Tiger rolled in two 50+ feet eagle putts and then chipped in from off the green on another occasion late in the round for good measure.  It was just a sick display of golf…This is when Tiger was still Tiger and none of his scandal was out in the open yet…And his back was not that of an 85-year old…One can only hope we can have another ‘Tiger’ moment like this again…

I’ll stop rambling and leave you with the highlight of the evening last Saturday…Here’s the set-up — The guy counting the lights (wrestling expression) in orange was a 2-time NCAA champion as a junior…the guy that made him count the light fixtures is a true freshman from some Pennsylvania school…I would’ve sent you the entire match, but only about 3 of ya would watch all 8 minutes…kinda wish they gave us a bit more though…pretty cool shit nonetheless…

I wish there was a camera on what me and my buddy did after this happened…well, then again, maybe not…

Hoping Zags and Ducks today…

INTRODUCING….

Gammar, circa 1989…pre-Freshman Farewell Dance…

Boy, do I look thrilled or what…..

This is all 103lbs of me…well, probably about 105…I believe I wrestled earlier in the day and then was able to attend the dance in the evening…Which, to think about, is unheard of…I think I can count on 1 finger the number of times we wrestled a conference dual in the afternoon on a Saturday…maybe because it was Bishop Hoban and they really sucked at wrestling…I think my match with Charlie Molecavage lasted about 30 seconds…poor little boy (he was about 95lbs soaking wet) didn’t stand a chance against the above pictured monster…

Anyway, the hottest chick in 9th grade, Regina Judge, had the privilege of this handsome, ‘sucked out’ Walking Dead zombie/human taking her to the dance…I’m sorry Gina for showing up looking like I hadn’t eaten in a few days and hadn’t seen the sun in a few months…I’m surprised your parents didn’t throw a couple steaks down in front of me forcing me to eat them before we left to ensure I would make it through the night without passing out…

That sure is a crop of hair I’m sporting on my huge head, isn’t it…I guess with my body being so skinny and frail, my head appears a bit larger…I really don’t recall parting my hair in that fashion either…trust me, my date looked like a million dollars and canceled out my appearance…oh well, you’re only in 9th grade once…

Many thanks to my Mom for sending me this Polaroid after my wrestling post last week…remember those cameras decades ago where the picture comes sliding out and then you have to wait for it to develop and come into focus for 15-20 seconds…safe to say technology has evolved a bit since then…

 

 

 

 

Marathon Maniac…

Many thanks to my former client Queen of Squats for sending me the following highly inspirational story/link…Hopefully you’ll take a few minutes to read about a man’s journey of running 7 marathons in 7 days on 7 different continents…yes, you just read that fucking correctly…how is that possible logistically, you might think…well, it is apparently…and guess what..??  He won them all…with ease…

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/dc-sports-bog/wp/2017/01/30/it-made-me-question-my-sanity-every-day-michael-wardian-sets-record-in-seven-marathon-challenge/?utm_term=.6d653b7c01ae

To start, obviously, his outfit is an issue with me…come on loser, you’re making this way too easy…the tank-top, the short shorts, the goofy hat, the knee-high socks (although I don’t think they’re socks, but some sort of calf compression gear that’s all the rave right now..), the multi-colored sneakers (which are actually okay in my book..)…looks like this guy weighs about 105 lbs soaking wet…just about what I expected after reading about what he did…

My initial reaction after deciding to write some sort of post about this dude was to go off about the fact that he considered this a ‘fun’ experience…I had a few examples of what I considered fun, such as hitting a golf ball pure directly at your target…attending a concert of your favorite band and they sound just as good or better than what you’ve listened to all your life…have 3 Aces show up on the base line of a video poker machine followed by the ‘multiplier’ starting to buzz, etc…I probably would’ve thrown in a few more and went into more detail than above before re-reading the article and disappointingly found at no point did skinny-ass mention the 7-continent experience as being ‘fun’…what a shame…I did find something to relate to though…bear with me a bit as I lead you up to it…

I’m pretty sure all of you who read this know that I wrestled a vast part of my childhood through high school.  Love the sport, but let me tell you, it’s not fun, not even fucking close…soccer was fun to play, wrestling definitely wasn’t…There are a multitude of reasons for this…The one I’ll focus on is the ‘weight cutting’ involved in it…this is no secret that wrestlers lose vast amounts of weight to wrestle in a lower weight class than they actually weigh…in most cases, a much lower weight class…I won’t bore you with why this takes place…The fact is it sucks and it totally consumes your life…all you think about is how much ‘over’ you are (how many pounds over the weight you need to weigh..), how many pounds that half a piece of chicken, 21 green beans, tablespoon of mashed potatoes and 6oz of water you had for dinner just put on you, how you can’t wait to go to the bathroom to lose any amount of weight possible (it’s true..)…when you wake up in the morning, you can give a shit about the Trigonometry test you have that day or how your girlfriend is…all you’re worried about is how much ‘over’ you are (being ‘under’ is unheard of, unless it’s a few hours before weigh-ins..)…yes, it’s a sickness, no doubt…all wrestlers who cut significant amounts of weight know about all these feelings, plus a thousand more…Add to the fact you feel ‘sucked out’ 24 hours a day (even when you’re sleeping) and you have it all…Oh, sorry, let me define — ‘sucked out’ refers to basically having no energy all the time, you look (face pale and drawn-in) and feel like total shit, your legs get fatigued just walking up 2 flights of stairs, you’re fucking tired and irritable…get the picture…oh, you also have to look forward to putting on multiple sweatshirts to make your way down to an over-heated wrestling room tucked in the furthest depths of hell/your high school to practice with/sweat all over other teammates with the same wardrobe multiple times a week with zero energy…God, doesn’t all this sound like fucking fun…??

But you know what, there is light at the end of the tunnel and something to look forward to…EATING…yes, the basic human function, EATING…and of course, drinking something with flavor and sugar other than water..(I actually remember craving the most unappealing beverages ever…like diet ginger ale, diet lemon-lime Rite soda, cranberry juice…in other words, shit I would never fathom to drink otherwise).  Back in my high school days, we wrestled every Wednesday and Saturday evening…one match against one other team…(don’t even get me started about the ridiculousness of what high school wrestling has become these days…at least here in Virginia)…win or lose, all wrestlers knew what was coming later those evenings…a complete gorge-fest…granted, you ate and drank after you weighed in, but not that much, as you did have to wrestle another ‘sucked out’ human being in a few hours…I specifically remember Wednesday evenings as we (the team) usually didn’t go out after the meet as we did have school the next day…I went home with my parents, talked about my match briefly, and most importantly, ate my face off…Mom and Dad were always very gracious and offered to buy me/cook anything my little heart desired as they saw first-hand how miserable their son was most of the time during the season…sorry Mom and Dad, I apologize for being a complete dick…They would usually offer me my favorites — meatball sub with cheese, pizza, cheese calzones, vanilla milkshakes, burgers, fries, pasta, whatever, you name it…Although all those sound scrumptious (it really is a word..), I always craved something else…I would say, ‘you know what Mom, if you and Dad want to order a meatball sub and a large extra-cheese pizza from Antonio’s, that sounds great.  But I’m totally craving a grilled market garden salad with light balsamic vinaigrette dressing on the side with extra cucumbers and radishes…and make sure you have them slice some small onion pieces in it as I know I won’t taste them…they’re only in there to add flavor (at least one person is laughing now..)…Man, I would devour those salads like there’s no tomorrow…I couldn’t get enough of them…sometimes I would even ask for an additional side salad with oil and vinegar dressing with cherry stone tomatoes sprinkled in as well…talk about living on the edge…I knew I’d be totally ‘over’ the next morning, but those fucking salads certainly hit the spot and I went to bed happy and fulfilled…only to wake up the next morning feeling fat and ‘over’weight…and thus, the psychotic and dismalness started all over again for a few days….

YUMMY…(for those of you unfamiliar with what a salad looks like…)

Now, if you didn’t read the article above about the running man, you have no fucking idea about what I just wrote…and why it should’ve been somewhat funny…shame on you…

Tommy Terrific + Headbutt…

Okay, first of all, the link to the video on my last post was ‘Falcons’ located directly below the text colored in red…Didn’t we all learn that when something is in a different color, you probably can ‘click’ on it as it’s a link to something else…Apparently some people didn’t as I received multiple replies asking where the video was shortly after I posted…it’s there people, just put a little effort in…or simply be lazy and click below…

CLICK HERE…

For those of you who were clever enough to figure out I don’t make mistakes here at the site and did include the link, you might be asking for a bit of clarification on why that hideous display took place.  Well, here’s your cliff-notes version…I realize 95% of the people who read this probably haven’t seen more than 5 ‘amateur’ wrestling matches in their lives…if any for that matter…I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but most wrestling bouts don’t end with one competitor viciously head-butting another…Again, hard to believe, but true…The ‘head-butter’ (really not a good wrestler by the way, just athletic and strong..) won the match 8-3, but upon completion, got up and immediately yelled, ‘he bit me, he fucking (his words, not mine..) bit me..’  Got in the ‘biters’ (apparently) face and you saw the rest…Under normal circumstances, we would have checked the wrestler’s hand or arm (usually the spots it occurs) to see if a bite really did happen (again, a rarity).  In this case though, we had no chance as the assault happened immediately…within seconds it seemed, the ‘head-butter’s parents were on the mat (along with the rest of the gym) acting all ‘black’ trying to defend their idiot son…our job as referees was to get the kid off the mat and out of the gym as fast as possible to make sure nothing else escalated…the wrestler who was ‘attacked’ (probably a good word choice) went straight down on his back immediately and stayed there for about 5 minutes…he eventually got up and suffered a broken nose…he did wrestle last week in the Regional tournament where he finished 5th and will advance to the State tournament this coming weekend…I actually reffed his 5th place match and wanted to forcefully shove my whistle either into my eye socket or down my throat to avoid having to watch such a God-awful match…it was one of the worst displays of wrestling I’d ever seen as neither kid attempted a takedown for 6+ minutes…and to think both of them are in the ‘State’ tournament this weekend…Pennsylvania wrestling, Virginia is certainly not…Sorry, back to the story…As you could expect, the ‘head-butter’ was called for flagrant misconduct and immediately kicked out of the tournament and wasn’t able to wrestle this past weekend…The ironic/idiotic thing is the kid’s coach tried to justify his actions and wanted the other kid kicked out as well for biting…that discussion between him and myself lasted about 6 seconds as I was in disbelief of what he was saying…Things calmed down within 10 minutes and order was restored to finish the tournament…Had a nice conversation with a police officer last week as charges are being filed…Hmmm, cliff-notes version, huh…well, at least you know what happened now…

Speaking of which, did anyone see what happened 2 days later in Houston on the football field…you know what happened, ‘Sports’ happened…fucking again…and it was great…I’ll be the first to admit, I was rooting for the Falcons, along with the rest of the world who weren’t born in Massachusetts…and thought for sure they had that game won midway through the 3rd quarter…who didn’t…but then the unthinkable happened and we were all left to watch the greatest meltdown in Super Bowl history…it was very difficult to watch, but truly what makes sports great time after time…I wonder if any of the Falcons have slept since that game…you really blew it guys…3rd and 1 and the only thing that couldn’t happen happened…Matt Ryan fumbled after a missed block and the Falcons train went off the track for the next 90 minutes for us to watch in horror…Okay, I’m done with this subject…

Next…everyone’s favorite QB, Tom Brady…or Tommy Brady…why don’t we ever call him Thomas…I bet his birth certificate says ‘Thomas’…or how about ‘Mike’ Jordan…or ‘Jeffrey’ Gordon…or ‘Joe’ Addai…or ‘Phillip’ Mickelson…or ‘Dave’ Taylor (3 people will get this one)…just shit I randomly think about…no need to discuss further…

And here’s your fitness lesson for the month — Yesterday I decided to do something different at the gym to keep me from killing myself out of sheer boredom…so here’s what I did…20 sets of chest, 10 sets of shoulders and 10 sets of triceps…that seems like a lot, doesn’t it…well, it is, at least for me…I haven’t done that many sets of chest since my college days at East Halls Gym at Penn State…this was all done in about 45 minutes…the high school and college kids who do this much volume take about 4 hours…you know what though, I’m sore as shit today and my chest has expanded 3 inches…So, there’s your free tip — change shit up, do different things, get out of your comfort zone…and stop holding on to the fucking treadmill…

Lastly, I greeted and spoke with 473 complete strangers the other day at work…who says I don’t like people…

Did I Ever Mention…

…how much I love refereeing…District finals, 195lbs…so glad I was part of this viral video…a shame we can’t get footage of what happened afterwards…I actually feared for my life for about 10 seconds thinking I might get stabbed…..too many horror movies I guess….

Falcons…

…the ‘assaulter’ won the match by the way…not after that though…

(I really hope you guys can open this huge 7 second video…it doesn’t appear on my end that you can…I suck at technology…sorry…)

 

 

 

2017 Fitness Update…

Since this is supposed to be a ‘fitness’ blog, I thought I’d take a few minutes here to update you on all the New Year’s fitness resolutions I’ve noticed the past 27 days.  Lots of different and interesting stuff out there…

People continually still…

  • Have no fucking idea how to exercise.
  • Don’t care to learn how to exercise correctly and efficiently.
  • Feel the need to hold on incessantly on treadmills and stairmasters.  Yep, cranking the incline up to 26% on the ‘ol treadmill while grasping the display monitor in front of you is absolutely correct and a huge calorie burner.  Take your hands off for 10 seconds and see what happens.  Same goes for the underhand hold on the stairmonster.  Read my book, I go into more depth on this technique there.
  • Lift weights way too fast and not through a full range of motion.  I can spend days on this one…thank God I won’t…
  • Purchase ridiculous matching workout clothes hoping looking good/cool will translate into losing weight, getting stronger, increasing flexibility, or whatever the fuck else they’re trying to accomplish.  Doesn’t work like that dumb-ass(es)…
  • Stand around and talk way too much to each other when they should be exercising.  At least jump on the bike at level 1 and pedal for a few minutes.  Or better yet, hop on the treadmill, push the ‘up’ incline button continually until it maxes out and then take your hands and….you know the rest of the story…
  • Carry around gargantuan water bottles for no apparent reason.
  • Fail to break a sweat even though they’ve been at the gym over an hour now (how is that possible…if you’re actually exercising..)…
  • Invent exercises which have no purpose and couldn’t begin to tell ya why they are performing them and what muscle groups they’re supposed to be engaging.
  • Wear full-length ‘leggings’ under shorts.  Guys only on this one…My God, what you are thinking..??  You look fucking ridiculous…you’re not a professional athlete…and never will be…This seems to be happening more and more…thanks Under Armour for introducing this fine piece of apparel…
  • Show up with…

Okay, okay, you get the point…no need to go on…looks like 2017 is shaping up to produce the same kind of results/characters as 2016 and 2015 and 2014 and…This is shocking to me as I really thought this was the year America turned it around and got their act together fitness-wise…Yeah right…I’m not holding my breath on this one…

Alright, got that out of the way…On to more important shit…I thought the other day about the fact that this was going to be the first weekend in about 5 months where there will be no football to watch and enjoy…and I kind of got a bit depressed…but only for a few minutes…Remember, sports are great…I gave you a few examples why earlier in this blog…Here’s another big reason…

I purposely left out his lower body as his sneakers, and especially, his socks, aren’t to my liking in this outfit…love the shirt and headband though…

How can anyone not like this guy?  I don’t think I’ve ever heard a person say, ‘Yeah, I’m not a big fan of that Federer guy’…or something of that nature.  Never…He’s a cool cat on the court and although I’ve never personally hung out with him, I’m thinking he’s pretty cool off the court as well…I’ve never played competitive tennis, but know an artist on the court when I see one…He’s a joy to watch and hopefully he can win 3 more sets early Sunday morning to claim another Grand Slam title against his arch-rival Rafael Nadal (why him, of all people..)…Great sports story even if you’re not a tennis fan…As well as the William’s sisters making the finals on the other gender’s side…I’d like to see big Sis Venus spank (not literally) little Sis Serena in this one…

The other reason was this guy…

Oh God, where the fuck is that going…..

…and the expression tells it all…Tiger is scheduled to play the next 4 out of 5 weeks barring injury, I guess…For golf fans, even those who dislike Tiger, this is what we want…When Tiger’s playing, ESPN is scrolling his updated score across the bottom of the screen constantly…How about when World #1 Jason Day, or Jordan, or Rory, or Phil are playing…PPP-leaseeee…tune into Sportscenter 20 minutes in, watch 2 great shots they hit on highlights, and then find out their score for the day…Like it or not, Tiger moves the needle, but unless he shoots 66 today (came in with a dazzling 76 yesterday..), the needle will be dry over the weekend because Tiger won’t be joining the field and will be flying to his next tournament still wondering how the fuck to keep his ball in the fairway…And I’ll be severely disappointed…

Clemson/Alabama a few weeks ago…how great was that (Congrats again Paul)…Another prime example of why we love sports…no need for further commentary…

I had a dream the other night that I couldn’t do one push-up…one God-damn push-up…can you believe that…I woke up and actually rolled right out of my bed to the floor just to make sure all my axons, dendrites, muscle spindles, fibers, and mitochondria were still functional and cranked out 3 solid push-ups…take that sub-consciousness (I don’t know what that means either..)…

Oh, I know I made fun of New Year’s Resolutions a few weeks ago…but I actually made one myself, I really did…It’s quite simple — play more golf this year…I had such a great time playing New Year’s Eve in 30-degree, 25MPH winds that I feel it needs to be replicated more in 2017…Dancing around like Justin Bieber listening to my I-pod (while playing) is something no one needs to see besides myself though…Only true ‘readers’ will get that reference…

Lastly, who the fuck orders a chocolate milkshake with extra whip cream to drink at 6:05 in the morning…

Thus concludes my 2017 fitness update…

 

 

DEUCE….

…As I was walking around Bed, Bath and Beyond the other day in my new black, snake-skin boots (man, did I get some sexy looks from the ladies..), I thought of an adorable idea for this world-famous blog.  Many of my friends/clients ask me if my roommate’s dog gets excited to see me.  I thought I’d come home from work one day and record a video so you guys/gals can see for yourself.  So that’s what I did yesterday…fucking twice…The first video wasn’t the greatest in quality, as half the time Deuce wasn’t even in the picture, but I’m sure you guys would have enjoyed it…Not being the person who records videos of their food and drink to post on Facebook every other day, the 2 minute video was way too large of a file to send to my e-mail…shit…Okay, I’ll try it again later when I get home from reffing.  One of the ‘error’ messages I got said the video had to be under a minute to upload…Sure, I can do that…I just have to cut out all the little shit I said/did before I entered Tim’s room for Deuce…I must be a quick-learner as the 2nd video was much better in quality and the dog was in the picture the entire time…I cut it off just under a minute and smiled knowing this was what I wanted…Sure enough, way too large again…This time I was really disappointed as now I knew if I was to record this video, it would have to be under 3.5 seconds for me to upload it…what a crock of shit…with all the technology involved in these phones nowadays, you think you could transfer a video to your e-mail of at least 30 seconds…Alright, now I deducted I can give Deuce one good ‘pet’ and cut off the video just so it will upload…Really not what I was picturing as I was sauntering around BB&Beyond shopping for some bathroom linens and a new satin robe in my black, snake-skin boots…

I was lucky and just got under the maximum amount of MB allowed for transfer this time…It’s a shame as the longer videos I attempted featured my bed, my new dresser, the new painting of my room, Michael Myers, my Christmas tree, our sound system (I’m recording an album currently…Tim’s helping..), and Hannibal…you missed out folks, you missed out…Alright, ladies and gentlemen, here’s THE DEUCE…(don’t blink, you’ll miss the entire video)…

Stop laughing at my ‘dog’ or ‘Deuce’ voice…we all do it…you’ll lying to yourself if you don’t…

Kind of hard to get a great picture of what he really looks like in that lengthy 15-second video…so here ya go…right after he inhaled a Snyder’s Hard Pretzel I had just given him….

‘Keep those pretzels coming John-John…’ Great looking Shepherd, huh…

I just want to let you know that Deuce was a big fan of my new purchase last week…he loves the black, snake-skin boots addition to my wardrobe…

Finally, I’m able to send this out at 12:30 here because Loudoun County (where I live) cancelled all activities today (wrestling) because it’s 43 and raining out…certainly don’t want people leaving the fucking house in those treacherous conditions…what a joke…

GO FALCONS!!

 

Year number 2017 has begun…

…So I went shopping for a new pair of casual black shoes this afternoon to wear to all the casinos, cigar bars, strip clubs and hostels I visit throughout the year. I had a gift card from Macy’s, so I decided to take my ass over to the fabulous Dulles Mall minutes from my house. Let me get this out there first: like most cool, heterosexual males, I don’t enjoy shopping one bit. My goal is to get in and out of there as quickly as possible while still purchasing what I set out to purchase. God forbid I have to visit another fucking store to shop…

Okay, so after wandering around for about 10 minutes trying to find the “men’s” department (it’s on the bottom floor, by the way..), I approached the shoe section and saw a plentiful selection. No doubt I’ll find a pair here. What I also saw was an old fucker pretending to look busy while not dropping dead on the spot. ‘Oh great’, I thought, this old bastard is going to pester me the entire time as there was not another soul in sight. So I saunter up to the department and start browsing. They pretty much all look the fucking same if you ask me…the deciding factor was going to be less than 3 digits to the left of the decimal point in the price…an 8 or 9 in a 2-digit number wasn’t going to fly either…the brand name was no factor whatsoever…Did I mention they all looked the fucking same..?? Well, the exact opposite happened as to what I was expecting…the old geezer wanted nothing to do with me…never said a word until about 5 minutes in as I had to come within 4 feet of him to look at 8 more pair of the same looking shoes…he then throated, ‘you doing okay?’ Hell yeah, just keep ignoring me until I ask you to go fetch me a few pair of the same looking shoes…I found this a bit strange as I assume this guy is working on some sort of commission and should be thrilled to have something ‘real’ to do…perhaps I’m wrong on this assumption…Anyway, I found 36 pair that I liked, but asked him for one specific pair to hunt for. He didn’t entirely look annoyed when I interrupted him, which was a pleasant surprise…after a few minutes, he returned empty-handed and informed me that ‘the system’ said they don’t have them. Okay, strike one…I found 2 others that looked the same in my price range, so I bugged him again. This time, after 180 seconds or so, he came back with 2 boxes. He gave me the boxes, informed me he also had a size 8.5 in one of the styles, returned to pretend to do something, but most importantly, left me alone. I tried on the shoes and determined the (size) 8 felt good (I usually take an 8.5 though..), but I should probably ask for the 8.5 just to be sure…so this made Ronald (his name tag at least said that..) put a few more steps on his Fitbit (God no, he wasn’t wearing one..) searching out my request. They turned out to be a bit loose, so I decided on the 8’s. Not too bad, I think this whole process took about 13 minutes thus far. I told my servant my request to purchase and he led me to the register. I could tell I totally fucked him up as I handed him my $50 gift card. He blankly looked at it for a second trying to process how to proceed on his touch-screen. The shoes (which looked the same as some others) were regularly $90, but were on sale for $79.99 (not $80, $79.99..). I decided to not use my other $50 gift card and pay the rest in cash. Poor Ronald was totally screwed now…He managed to get the gift card through and then asked if I had a Macy’s card…DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A FUCKING MACY’S CARD RONALD…that was a negative, but I can tell by his screen that it still gave me the extra 15% discount…sweet, I’ll take it…now I owed him $22.07…I gave him $25…’Gosh-darn-it’ was the next thing I heard as something was not letting him proceed on his screen…Perhaps it figured out I didn’t possess an all-important Macy’s card…a few more minutes passes as Ronald used the same 3-syllable slur a few more times…I totally expected him to have to go and find someone to help him, but my man came through by cancelling the initial transaction and then processing the store’s Macy’s card first, followed by my gift card. Poor Ronald then had to pull out his handy-dandy calculator to figure out he owed me $2.93 back…such a sweet kid…Not sure why the register couldn’t do that complex math…Either way, those few extra minutes spent by Ronny trying to buck the system saved me a few dollars…hopefully they went directly into his pocket as he looked like he could use a solid meal…Mission accomplished…new pair of shoes without spending an eternity in the store…

Oh, Happy New Year, by the way…I guess as a fitness blog I was supposed to write about New Year’s Resolutions and starting an exercise program and eating healthy and getting in shape and whatever…why can’t you do all that shit in April or September…New Year’s Resolutions…what a fucking waste…

Okay, now you know where I stand on that subject…don’t ya want to see the new shoes I purchased from Ronald…here ya go…

Pretty fucking awesome, huh…..