Category Archives: Actions…

Did I Ever Mention…

…how much I love refereeing…District finals, 195lbs…so glad I was part of this viral video…a shame we can’t get footage of what happened afterwards…I actually feared for my life for about 10 seconds thinking I might get stabbed…..too many horror movies I guess….

Falcons…

…the ‘assaulter’ won the match by the way…not after that though…

(I really hope you guys can open this huge 7 second video…it doesn’t appear on my end that you can…I suck at technology…sorry…)

 

 

 

Pictured below….

flush

….is simply awesome…although a very high percentage of you probably don’t know exactly what those 5 cards in the middle row lined up like that truly means…that’s okay, it’s not for everyone…but the rush it invokes is a feeling everyone should experience doing something in life at least 11 times…

Now, pictured below….

 

…is complete and utter ridiculousness…a very high percentage of  everyone in their right mind should agree with that statement…I can have a field day and post videos like this all the time, but that’s copying other people…I’m not about that, as you know…I saw this on my favorite TV show and had to find it online to share…I only wish it were longer…enjoy and good luck with it!!

Taxi Cab Nightmare (cont’d)…

…sounds like a cheap, third-class horror movie, doesn’t it…??  I’d be stupid enough to rent it though for $2 out of Redbox (Blu-ray, of course)……

First off, I want to thank my brother, Leo, for his caring and loving concern as he called my Mom after reading my last post to see if I was okay…that’s very sweet Leo, thanks!!  These rants of mine would be a lot more entertaining if you read each and every word and didn’t just ‘skim’ over them to get to the end…I highly doubt I would’ve published 900+ words if I was in grave danger…or even dead…wouldn’t that be something…Anyway, very cute and thanks again for caring….

Okay, where were we when we left off…Oh, that’s right, my fear factor had been reduced to 50% after a few cell phone conversations totaling about 35 seconds went through…Jeff Gordon proceeded to make the correct exit choice towards my destination, so things were looking up…my right hand wasn’t clutching the door handle quite so tightly now…I did realize though, that now we were entering a 4-lane road/can’t call it a highway, so bailing would certainly bring about catastrophic injury and possibly death…I guess I was in it for the long haul…As I began to feel a little bit more at ease, I decided to text back a friend (Steve) who had texted me the previous night while I was at the concert…this would kill a few minutes and get my mind off of impending doom…as I was legibly texting my buddy and receiving illegible texts back (God, that fucking pisses me off…just write like a human being, you’re not that busy to look it over before you hit ‘send’..), I realized we were sitting in complete silence…no music on, no sports talk radio, no commentary of any sorts…I can’t remember the last time I rode in a car in complete silence…Oh yes I do…a wrestling coach harassed me so bad one evening that I had to fight the urge to run myself off the road because he didn’t feel like his kid deserved to be pinned 4 feet out-of-bounds…Man, I messed that one up…I maintained my composure in complete silence for 23 minutes and made it home…So there we were, Wong and I cruising down Route 28 with no chatter whatsoever…Steve and I went back and forth a few times on the text machine as I noticed another idiosyncrasy of my kidnapper…whenever he had to change lanes (doing 45mph on a 55mph road), he would ever so slightly just flip his blinker knob up or down and then slowly, slowly change lanes…I don’t even know if it was long enough for the fucking blinker light to even come on…he did that multiple times, but didn’t cause any 8-car pile-ups or anything…That certainly wasn’t Driving 101 blinker mechanics there…I was still alive, so who was I to complain…As we approached the next exit turn-off, I waited to the last second to open my mouth to instruct Driving Miss Daisy where to go…Again, don’t ask me why…we were sitting in peaceful silence, so why rile up a sleeping bear…I don’t know what that fucking means either…So, I finally broke the silence and asked him to take the 50W exit towards Warrenton…’Okay sir’ were the 7th and 8th words muttered by my beloved driver…Sorry, I failed to mention he used the same 3 syllables after I told him my original destination…Steve and I were done texting at this point, so my attention was squarely on my hijacker and the road…Let me give you an update at this point — we had probably traveled 10 miles and had about 5 more to go…Wang liked the 10o’clock/2o’clock position of his hands on the steering wheel…I’m good with that, why not…his right hand must have some sort of arthritis though, as he would ever-so-slightly open it up to stretch it every so often (yes, I know I just used the same sort-of phrase twice..)…the first time he did it, I expected him to pull out his taser, turn to his right, and nail me, so he could chop me up into little pieces later after he got off of 50W…it was a busy road…it’d be really hard to chop someone up while dealing with that traffic and commotion…Luckily for me though, the arthritis was the only issue here…Another update — fear factor down to 15% now…I’m feeling good/confident…right hand off the door handle and securely on my right lap…I actually eased my way away from the door as well…I think I might see my 2012 Blue Mazda3 again…Now that I feel like I might actually wake up tomorrow and live another day, my mind got back to ‘I wonder how much this is going to cost me…’  I’ve been in cabs before and you can see the meter running/ticking/increasing…whatever the fuck you want to call it…so you at least have an idea of how much lighter your wallet is going to be…From my perspective in the back seat, I could only see a mileage number that started at zero when we left my condo…I didn’t want to make any sudden movements to see if I could make out a dollar amount or something of that nature somewhere else on his dashboard…That could have led Dale Jr. to partake in a number of actions to ensure I wouldn’t have to endure another pathetic 7-win season from recruiting coach-extraordinaire James Franklin and Penn State football…I calculated in my head that the trip was about 15 miles, maybe $2/mile…how the fuck would I know what a cab charges in Ashburn, Virginia…in  the year 2016…After the first 3 minutes, I was thrilled to have gotten this far…We were now a mile or so from the dealership and my fear factor was down to under 5%…Son-of-a-bitch man, I was going to make it…yes!!  A few more directives like ‘go left at the light’, ‘yes sir’, ‘follow that car to the right’, ‘yes sir’ and we were pulling into the Brown’s Chantilly Mazda dealership safe and sound around 10:45AM…What a harrowing 25 minutes or so…now the moment of truth…How much was this epic cab ride going to cost me..??  I highly doubted he was going to take me out now…that would be just plain fucking stupid…there are people around…without consulting any type of meter/ticker/whatever, ‘$35 sir’ randomly was the toll…you got it buddy…here’s $40…probably would’ve been $45 or $50 if you didn’t scare the living fuck out of me at the beginning…’Thank you sir’…yep, Go Falcons..!!

And there you have it…Wing continued to be in the wrong lane 60% of the time on the trip, but obviously didn’t produce any more drama…if only he knew his actions or lack thereof, would produce over 2000 words from some old-fashioned dumb-ass who just doesn’t feel the need for Uber or Lyft just yet…thank you Wong, you made a few people laugh..!!

Here’s my next question though — how does someone like this even get the job and how does the interview play out..??  You know me, I’m always thinking and curious…

Back to fitness in September…

This is a very hard thing for me…

…to admit, but I have no friends…very sad, isn’t it..??

Well, at least no friends who are readily available at 10:15AM on a Thursday morning who have about an hour to kill driving me to get my car at the Mazda dealership…my roommate was at work and I didn’t trust his dog to drive his car home after I picked up mine…the dog is talented and smart, but we haven’t gotten to teaching him proper driving mechanics as of yet…I do have a few friends who live a distance away, so asking them would be pretty ridiculous considering they would have to drive about a half-hour just to get me…the other main obstacle is that most people are at work at 10:15AM on a normal Thursday…I haven’t downloaded the ever-popular ‘Uber’ or ‘Lyft’ apps yet, so those were out of the question, although many people say good things about them…I don’t exactly need to get a ride anywhere all that often, so why bother…So, I went the old-fashioned route, I called a taxi…yes, taxis do still exist…the Ashburn Dulles Cabs to be exact…I asked for them to be at my place at 10:15 and the receiver of the call confirmed that the driver would call when he arrived…I sat around restlessly waiting for 10:15 and then heard what sounded like a little commotion out if front of my condo complex…Commotion might not be the best word choice, but let’s just say I heard something…so I stepped over Deuce, and looked outside to find a black Lincoln town car sitting in front of my building…I took that to be the taxi (I wasn’t expecting a yellow New York City cab..) and wondered why he/she wasn’t calling…I continued staring down at the car for another 30 seconds (for some reason) and then decided to head downstairs in fear of being charged for him/her sitting there with the meter running…The driver saw me and he (I knew it would be a ‘he’..) immediately got out of his driver seat to open the rear back right door for me. ‘Hello sir’ was the greeting I received…I returned the greeting, joked about him not calling, got no response, and scooted into the back seat…’Where to’ was the next 2 syllables he muttered and I responded with my destination.  He took his sweet time pulling out of my complex and pretty much drove the same way…he also was in 2 different lanes on multiple occasions and we had only gone about a mile…What kind of driving school did this guy go to, I wondered..??  He was a short, old Asian guy, by the way…in case you were wondering…He was also sporting an orange and white Briar Woods Falcons (local high school) hat, which seemed oddly out-of-place.  Anyway, about a mile down the road, we hadn’t been in any accidents when my phone rang with a local number appearing on it…I never usually answer my phone when I don’t recognize the number, but thought this might kill a few seconds listening to some stranger try to sell me something…I answered and the guy on the other line said, ‘Hi, this is so-and-so (odd name, don’t ya think..) with Ashburn Cabs…your car has arrived and is in front of your building..’  I suddenly felt myself reaching for the door handle to my right…What do you mean he’s in front of my building…I’m in the fucking car here…I said, ‘Ahh, well, I’m in the car now..’ as I sized up the small stranger sitting in front of me to the left.  A million thoughts are running through my head at this point…Fear and jumping out of a moving car were the top 2…’You’re in the car..??’ a surprised voice came through my cell phone…’Ah, yeah, he picked me up a few minutes ago…’  I looked to make sure the door was still open for my escape…It was.  ‘He did (surprised again), what kind of car are you in..??’  Holy shit, is this really fucking happening…Def Leppard was a bit disappointing last night and now I’m getting kidnapped by a miniature Asian…I’m having a rough 14 hours here…Would the $70 cash I had in my wallet be enough for this guy…’Ahh, I’m in a black….’ as I’m interrupted, ‘A black Lincoln town car..??’, says the caller.  I looked at the Falcon’s steering wheel but didn’t recognize the logo, but assumed it was the Lincoln logo…’Yeah, I guess…this doesn’t seem…’  I was cut off again by ‘Oh, good, okay, bye…’  I clenched the door handle and surveyed my options as I was only about a mile and a half from home…the walk back wouldn’t be too bad even though it was already 98 degrees with 150% humidity…then the driver’s cell phone rang…’Hello’…I could tell the voice on the other end was the guy who called me…I couldn’t make out exactly what he said, but it lasted long enough to be something like, ‘You already picked the guy up…??’  ‘Yeah’, replied Mr. Talker, and that was it…he hung the phone up and continued driving like a 95-year old and in the wrong lane…my fear factor decreased about 50%, but I still liked my chances of not seriously injuring myself if I jumped out of this slow-moving black Lincoln town car…I failed to check to see if there were any cars behind us though in the 2 lanes we were currently occupying…

Well, that’s enough for today…there is more to this story, but it will be told at a later date…you all have more important things to do rather than read about my experience in a taxi cab…the fact that you received this from me kind of gives away the ending (I wasn’t brutally beaten or murdered), but there still is more entertainment between Wong and myself (well, maybe just my mind and myself..)…Write to ya all later…….

This is a Smith Machine…

Barbs

This is a person laying on a bench underneath the Smith Machine…

This is what I would have to call a ‘Smith Machine leg press’…??????

This is fucking stupid…

This is completely unnecessary…

This exercise is not working any muscle any differently than any other compound leg exercise…

This is just drawing attention to yourself…

This is another Barbie special witnessed the other day…

This is different though as Barbs decided she would just lay on the floor…tough cookie…

This lady has similar physical characteristics to Barbie…I’ll let you figure them out…

This female, unfortunately, is not as powerful as Barbs, as my girl had 3 45-pound plates on each side…

This is something I’ve never had another human being do…

This is the end of this post…

 

‘You’re Very Kind’

I was in the grocery store this afternoon picking up my weekly supply of tofu, almond milk, and beef jerky, among other things…I had just thrown a few (serving-size) yogurts into my basket when from behind me I heard, ‘Excuse me sir’…I actually knew immediately what was going to be asked of me…the voice was female and sounded like it had been used on planet Earth for many, many years…I turned with a smile on my face and replied, ‘yes..?’…I thought ‘what’s up dawg’ or ‘what’s going on’ might not have been appropriate…A cute little old lady (I was right…) was standing in front of the jello/pudding case…She continued, ‘Can you please reach up and get me one of the vanilla/chocolate swirl puddings..’  First off, great choice lady…I would’ve snatched one of those for myself, but the fucking things weren’t on sale…they’re always on sale for Christ’s sake…2 for $4…Second off, she was sort of pointing to the item as if I wouldn’t have been able to determine which one the ‘swirl’ was…I know the ‘swirl’ pudding honey, don’t worry…I happily said, ‘Sure, no problem’…It was at that point I noticed just how little of a reach it would’ve been for her to get the item.  I’m no giant (as you all know), but it wasn’t as if I had to get up on my tippy-toes and really reach for the combo pudding 4-pack.  It was probably just a few inches above my 5’7″ head…even if she was just 5-foot flat, it wouldn’t have been much of a stretch for her…it was also at that moment, and this is the very sad part of all this, I thought I might be setting myself up for a violent ambush from our friend Bertha here…it just seemed fishy to me…I envisioned myself reaching up with my right arm (she was on my right and slightly behind me at this point..), only to have some sort of knife thrust into my abdominal/rib-cage area (not sure where I would get such an idea like this..)…I would’ve been wide open to the attack as described here…I didn’t let that brief, psychotic moment deter me though as I tracked down the ‘swirl’ pudding and handed it to Bertha free of blood and a huge puncture mark in my mid-section…She was overjoyed, ‘Thank you, you’re very kind..’  ‘Your welcome (even though you’re so fucking wrong..), enjoy…have a nice day..’  ‘Same to you’…as I walked away to pick me up some delicious fish-sticks for the weekend…

See, I always tell you about all the shitty things I do and think about…I thought I would throw in something nice…I can be a sweet kid when I want to be…too bad it’s not very often…and usually involves someone more than twice my age to bring it out…my neighbor thinks I’m the greatest as well as I’m pretty sure she has a ‘7’ or ‘8’ as the first digit of her number of years alive…she walks her (little fucking white yappy) dog about 40 times a day and often sees me coming back from the gym in the morning…she actually thinks I enjoy exercising…We chit-chat for a bit  (mostly about the weather, we don’t have much in common..) and then she goes on her way to get older…I’m happy she’s still breathing every time I see her…

Navy…

As an established personal trainer (not really..), in order to make a good living, one must work in no less than 8 locations, but no more than 12.  The logistics are way too much to get into here, but trust me, I totally made all this up because I had no idea how to start this post about such a boring, plain individual I come across at least twice a week…I even interact with him nearly every time we cross paths…wow…

I do work in multiple locations, but one in particular (I won’t mention the name for fear of being buried alive in $100 bills by the members…let’s put it this way, there’s some money at this place…), doesn’t provide me with much fodder for this blog.  Part of it is I’m not there all that much and the other part is it’s not very busy and the mean age of the members is about 57.  Again, nothing against the older population (I’m freakin’ old..), but they move too slow and are just not interesting enough to garner my attention.  When someone dies trying to do a lat pulldown, I’ll be sure to mention it though…

The particular gentleman I’ll be ripping apart today fittingly wears the same basic navy blue shirt ((tucked in sexily (can’t believe that’s a word) by the way)) and shorts along with those wool-looking socks (that he folds down to hide the fact they are way too long..a bit of navy still peaks out on these as well, probably from the heel) every time he saunters down the stairs into the gloomy dungeon.  He then has to physically pick up the clipboard to sign-in rather than simply write on it as it stands.  That always fucking annoyed me…here are some other things…

  • Has never used any other cardio machine besides the treadmill
  • Runs at like a 5MPH pace and holds on to the front of it…never, ever any incline.  Looks like a dork
  • Form sucks on just about everything but in his mind, I bet he thinks he’s in great shape for his age
  • Purposely will search out a stability ball to rest his feet on while doing straight, boring, ineffective abdominal crunches (what the fuck is the ball doing here…)
  • Will perform 3 or 4 random pull-ups dangling from the rails of the lat pulldown station.  The multi-functional machine which provides multiple pull-up handles doesn’t cut it I guess
  • (How about that sentence in the previous paragraph with all the parenthesis…pretty awesome, huh…)
  • I used the word ‘fittingly’ above because Navy is a big ‘ol fan of the Naval Academy.  One of his sons went there, but I guarantee he has no idea the football team is 9-2 this year and might have a Heisman candidate in New York in a few weeks.  I’d bet my house he isn’t aware of that.  Dumb-ass
  • Randomly gets on kicks where I see him bench press every time he’s in the gym for weeks and then doesn’t touch it for a few weeks.  I’m all about changing it up, but I’m sure he doesn’t know what he’s substituting for that exercise/body part 
  • No doubt was never one of the cool kids in high school or college
  • Randomly will do multi-functional exercises like sumo squats or deadlifts or power cleans for no apparent reason.  Trust me, he doesn’t know why he’s doing them.  I have no idea either
  • Tries to be funny busting on a client of mine, but the mouse next to the laptop I’m typing this on has a better sense of humor.  I smile and then roll my eyes as I turn away in disgust

A few sentences and a bullet won’t be enough for the grand finale here.  It deserves its own separate, descriptive paragraph.  The functional, or group exercise room, at this particular facility isn’t very spacious to say the least.  Not that it needs to be with all the near-corpses walking around the place…Anyway, Navy will always find about a minute or two to make his way into that room to perform as I would call in my athlete development days, a four-corner agility drill.  For example, we would set up four cones about 10 yards apart in a box and ask the athletes to shuffle from side to side, perhaps backpedal, grapevine (karaoke — don’t ask why it’s called that), sprint forward, etc.  You can combine/mix-match all those things along with having the athlete change directions to create a nice, compact agility drill.  The problem with Navy’s agility drill is it’s only a 2-corner drill consisting of a side-to-side shuffle and…a side-to-side shuffle.  Let me repeat that — jackass shuffles back and forth twice, takes a little break and repeats it.

I typed in 'side shuffle' into Google images and this came up (along with 13,781 images of people actually side-shuffling..). I couldn't resist picking her...trust me, Navy's not doing this...
I typed ‘side shuffle’ into Google images and this came up (along with 13,781 images of people actually side-shuffling..). I couldn’t resist picking her…trust me, Navy’s not doing this…

 I know, I know, all of you are saying, what the fuck..??  I’m sorry, I don’t have an answer for this maneuver either.  What does a 60-year old male human being think he’s accomplishing by doing this (I can’t even call it a..) drill a few times.  He’s also holding his towel out in front of him as well.  And looking intense.  And proud.  And stupid…Now it makes sense, right…I laugh/cringe every time I see it and one day will ask of its significance/importance.  And don’t worry, he’s not training for basketball either…If I had to guess, I’m thinking this guy isn’t very coordinated and would never be considered athletic.

A few people who read this should know exactly who I’m talking about.  One will probably still be smiling right now and the other will be shaking his head in disgust I’m sure for multiple reasons…But I guarantee they’ll be able to picture everything I just wrote about.  To Navy’s credit, he’s not overweight or out-of-shape by any means.  It’s certainly not due to his break-neck speed on the treadmill though.  I know what it can be…….maybe he’s on to something with those 15-second shuffle intervals he does…probably not though…

Just want to give a quick shout-out to a few people who commented on my last post, ‘Felix Diciembre’.  They descriptively described some people they’ve seen doing stupid shit.  Good stuff…I know all you guys/gals want to bring out that inner writer we all have…feel free to share anything/anyone you’ve seen…I only have so much in my arsenal…thank ya..!! 

Bye Felicia

Feliz Diciembre!!

Don’t worry everyone, I didn’t forget about this writing project I started a few months ago.  I’m still trying to digest everything I ate and drank at Thanksgiving back home in PA…literally…my stomach has certainly been paying the price…Anyway, I hope all 57 of you had a nice holiday and gained at least a few  pounds…if you didn’t, you were being a boring fuck and certainly not trying hard enough…I’m back on track at the gym, so expect the holiday season to produce some new and exciting characters for me to describe…

Apologies in advance…the following description may not be suitable for all family members…viewer discretion advised…

I finally snapped and had enough this morning as I punched The Cleaner in the face after her 9th minute of cleaning the treadmill…I then proceeded to use her spray bottle and paper towels to carefully clean up all the blood spewing from her nose and mouth…she looked back to normal after I got through with her…smelled great and glistened as well…couldn’t do anything to reduce the size of her ass though…

 

(I didn’t actually do this…)