Category Archives: No Sweat

APOLOGY…

…to this guy…

You should know who this is…if you read and retain…I came home from school one day decades ago and was immediately greeted by the above (ears down, tail wagging uncontrollably, jumping all over me..)…I, of course, was just as excited to see him and acted accordingly…I petted his head, wrestled a bit with him and let the excitement recede…After 45 minutes or so, my Mom approached and asked if I knew what I forgot to do that morning before going to school…’Fuck’, I thought…I forgot to unplug the toaster…nope…I didn’t turn off the oven that the cinnamon buns were in…shit, I could’ve burned the house down…not good…Not that either…My mind was racing at this point…Although I don’t remember all the exact details of this day, I can infer that it wasn’t during wresting season as I probably would’ve went off on my Mom for even talking to me…(Remember, I was a miserable son-of-a-bitch starving myself to make weight on Wednesday or Saturday..)…She said again I was wrong on both guesses…As Rambo still showed his excitement for me being home (an hour in now..), Janet informed me that I failed to bring Rambo ‘in’ before heading off to school…that means he was outside for at least 8 hours by himself…all alone with his chain that only allowed about a 50 foot radius…poor dog…I felt sick to my stomach when I was told the news…How could I do that to my buddy…You know what though, menacing Rambo didn’t care…No one was allowed to walk by our house without him barking to make his presence known…If you had male genitalia, forget it, you were fucked…Rambo didn’t like that…(sorry Mike Plasco..)…A pretty female face and body though..(Alauna, Karen, Carie Ann..), Rambo was okay with that…Just like he was okay with me forgetting to bring him ‘in’ that morning…

I know, I know…we all love our dogs to death…And this is just me ranting about my ‘favorite’ dog…but Rambo was special…after the 42nd time he was reported to the Cops for attacking someone…or something…they finally arrived at our doorstep to take him away…we knew we could be losing him…Our ‘special’ dog just sat behind the screen door (that he ripped through plenty of times..) while my parents interacted with the authority and did just that…SAT…no barking, no violent actions towards people being outside our house…he just sat there, ears up and alert like a true German Shepherd looking the part…Did I mention how fucking smart this dog was……..

Here’s a picture of him…in case you were wondering what he looked like…

Yours truly…

RAMBO

 

 

‘Keep Your Wrists Straight…’

…and Happy New Year to me…The above was the advice I received the other day by one of the renowned Gold’s Gym trainers…I was comfortably minding my own business (as usual..) performing a bicep curl on a Free Motion ‘Lat’ machine (I would try to explain this exercise for you, but it’s just way too complex…I’d definitely lose you after the first couple sentences…yes, it would take that long to describe…you know I like my detail..)…Normally, I would venture close by to another machine or area to do a bicep exercise (I just did a ‘lat’ pulldown..), but if I would have done that, I would be wandering around for endless minutes just trying to find another machine or area to occupy…Ya know, all these New Year’s resolutions being acted upon the first few weeks of the new year…Here’s some advice to those:  Just fucking give up right now…you’re not going to stick with it and you’re only going to piss yourself off even more in 2 months when you step on the scale and the digits have increased since your last visit on it…You couldn’t stick to the plan once again…no will power, no motivation, no control of your life…Harsh reality…but the truth…

Ooops, sorry…getting back to the main point here…after 7 or 8 reps, I’m bombarded by…we’ll call her ‘Sandra’ (she just looks like a Sandra…I see her all the time and have probably seen her name tag with her correct name…but since she’s kinda plain and nondescript, I simply don’t remember what she’s called in life…By the way, ‘Barbie’ is still around and doing her thing…I know I haven’t mentioned her in a while…still breaks my heart every time I see her…)…She appears out of nowhere on my right and immediately motions to her wrist and says, ‘Keep your wrists straight..’…I surprisingly look up and recognize her and the perplexed look on my face (I guess..) elicits her to repeat her command…Granted, I have headphones in, but heard all 8 of her syllables…(the fucked up thing is the headphones I’m currently wearing are just about on their last leg…I buy the $10-$15 Skull Candy shit ones as spending any more than that is a complete waste to me…Usually after 4 months or so, one side just stops working and no sound is produced…that’s my cue to buy a new $10-$15 pair…the ones I currently have are hanging on by a thread…I can barely hear anything on one side and the other side is definitely not as loud as it should be…For some reason though, I won’t replace them even though I have a brand new spanking pair in my dresser drawer…don’t ask, I can’t figure myself out either sometimes…)…and that’s why I heard what Sandra said clearly…It actually could have been, ‘Don’t bend your wrists’, but the 4-syllable meaning is obviously the same…

At this point, I wanted to stop the exercise, take my deteriorating headphones out and calmly say, ‘Do you know who you’re talking to sweetie…(she wouldn’t..)…I’m Gammar, the No Sweat Trainer…I write a blog about this shithole you work in…Of the 63 people doing the most ridiculous shit all around us, you pick me to apprehend..’…Kind of hope I get a second chance to say this and see her response…I doubt I will…

In reality, I simply nodded my head, half-smiled, said ‘Okay, thanks..’ and continued bending and not keeping my wrists straight for the next 3 or 4 reps…What a sweetheart that Sandra is trying to help a complete stranger with their exercise technique…The problem is, my wrists were about as straight as they possibly could be…She ended the dialogue by nodding her head, physically touching my right bicep and taking her syllable total up to 13, ‘you’ll feel it more here’…Pretty bold move there by Ms. Sandy, wouldn’t you say…I’ve worked in gyms for years and don’t ever recall doing such a thing to a complete stranger…I asked to talk to the manager about it and file a complaint, but he was in a meeting……..

Gonna try and play some golf this afternoon…it’s supposed to warm up to 17 degrees with the wind only blowing about 20mph…I expect to strike it solid….

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!!!!!

!!!SAMTSIRHC MERRY

I really, really wish I can take credit for this clever piece of writing coming up…I’m in a college football bowl pool and the guy who runs it sent this years ago…He sends the same thing every year and every year I look forward to it and laugh like it’s the first time I read it…Very cute, in my opinion…

A ‘heads up’ to those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot. Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th, December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99.

If you didn’t at least smile, you have no hope…I feel bad for ya…

Lastly, I finally found a place for my awesome piece of artwork I was given…Reminds me every minute I watch TV just how fucking awesome the Saw movies are…

Hmmm…Retherford won a match…that’s odd…

Merry Christmas Everybody…

Warmest regards,

John-John

 

 

Pee Bee Die…

…I know you guys have been waiting and wondering how my Santa Claus act/golf tournament went last weekend.  Well, let’s just say — the kids were happy (with their $3 toys…I’m sorry again boys and girls..) and the squad was happy…our ball-striking was wonderful, spectacular at times…and we only lost by 9 shots…It’s not all about winning folks…Some people love to post on social media what they eat or drink…and that’s fine..(not really..)..I’ll show you what a real golf course looks like and what makes Gammar happy for a day…I’m sure you guys think I’m never happy with all my negative bantering…not the case…

The entrance…had a good feeling when I saw this sign…(why is this damn picture so tall though..)
The view…that damn umbrella just jumped in the way at the moment of picture-taking impact…still gorgeous though…in these eyes…
Short Par 3 — Hole #2…bladed a shitty 9-iron short of the green…Made a nice 20-foot bender for birdie for our first circle of the day though…we high-fived each other (not pictured here..)
Signature Par 3 11th Hole — Struck a 7-iron perfect just short of the bunker on the right (that little white dot to the left of the pine tree straight ahead over the water..)…Looks like a long way, doesn’t it…only about 150 yards downhill…we made par…we didn’t high-five…

Bored yet…Alright, picture/story time is over…at least I’m not cursing every 15 words, right…

And afterwards….

HEY MARYLAND LIVE CASINO…….

…WE WON THIS TIME…

Actually won the pullover in the raffle at the tournament…pretty good day for John-John…

And finally…my loving roommate mentioned how cold my place was last week when the temperature dropped…She asked if she could turn on the heat to warm-up and of course, I said ‘yes’…I do like to keep the place cold, but I’m not an idiot and refuse to turn on the heat all winter…I expected her to flip it on that night, but when I got up for work, it was still a bit chilly…She mentioned she could barely make it to the bathroom in the mornings because she’s so cold (she even demonstrated the way she has to walk…not pictured here…cute though..)…I think she’s trying to make me feel bad — it worked…So Friday, before I left for work at 3AM, I walked over to the thermostat (that’s certainly a word I don’t write much..), brought my right hand up and flipped the little switch to ‘heat’…it kicked on immediately and the heat was flowing…I walked out into the cold with a wry smile on my face…

Can you say the ‘D’ word again……D*R*I*G….

I can……..

 

Guess Who….

….these are for..??  You have no chance, so I might as well just go ahead and tell you…Me and ‘the squad’ are playing in a Turkey Shoot scramble golf tournament this morning…the entry fee is $99…pretty fucking steep… but the course is really fucking good…so I’ll pay it, no problem…The caveat (whatever that means..) is if you bring an unwrapped toy, the entry fee goes down to $89…(starting to piece together the photo above yet..??)…much more affordable now, right..??  The tournament supports a good cause as it’s benefitting Toys for Tots…Now, I could’ve just rolled my ass out of bed this morning, ran my 5 miles, finish editing this lump of words, drove my ass the 56 miles up to the course, unloaded my clubs, and handed the cashier a crisp $100 bill and be done with it…but no sir, not this caring, thoughtful guy…After stopping off at the bank yesterday after work, I drove an extra 0.4 miles out of my way to stop at Toys-R-Us to pick up a few toys for the tots…to benefit the kids of course, not to save $10 on the entry fee…the money is not the issue here at all…As I formulated this kind gesture in my mind, I pictured myself walking out of the store with a couple action figures from like He-Man and Skeletor or something…ya know, shit that I got when I was a kid…they probably cost about $10 or so…I put it in my mind though to spend about $5 because the money isn’t important, remember…I’m not trying to save anything…it’s the thought that counts…I was a bit nervous about what I could get for that amount though…I was also nervous about what I was to find in Toys-R-Us, as I haven’t been in one in about 15 years…who knows what these stores even look like nowadays…do kids even play with fucking toys anymore..??  Don’t they all have cell phones and tablets starting at age 3…Luckily, I hit the jackpot as about 20 steps in I came across a ‘discount’ bin (I guess..) to my right advertising $1, $3, and $5 toys…I didn’t even think about the $1 toys…give me a break, what kind of toy can you get for a fucking dollar…I also couldn’t live with myself if I spent $3 for 3 toys…well, maybe I could…Anyway, I bypassed those and let my eyes wander to the $3 racks…’Come on John, you cheap fuck, don’t do it…you’re better than that’…And I am…I bypassed those as well and headed to the expensive shit…You’ll still be +$5 if you buy the $5 toys and of course, you’ll get more quality for that price…After about 18 seconds of diligent searching, I made the final decision to purchase what you see above…Some life skills will be built with these toys was my thought…I embarrassingly went to check out as I figured the girl manning the register would immediately know I got these from the clearance rack, but fuck it…she’ll never see me again after today…I still felt awkward though…As I watched her ring them in, I saw the total go from $5 to around $8 and end at $11 and change…Jesus Christ John…it doesn’t take 2 years of majoring in Math (God, I should’ve stuck with it…) to figure out I got a $5 toy and 2 $3 pieces of crap…I’m pathetic…can’t even spend $5 on a needful little boy or girl…(Notice how I bought 3 — you may be wondering why 3…well, because I don’t anticipate ‘the squad’ performing this gesture…sorry boys..)…The toys will still put a smile on a few kids’ faces though, I thought…Now granted, I’m sure I’ll have no problem doling out $20 for 3 beers on the golf course to the cute cart-girl a few times tomorrow…but yet I’m shopping at the discount rack for the poor kids…You know what though, for all you people who read this (7 maybe..) consistently and say to yourself, ‘why does John have to be so mean and nasty to everyone…why does he make fun of everyone and everything…can’t he just be nice for once’…Well, I’m proud of myself and believe I’ve topped the ‘nice’ category with this gesture…Actually….

I’M DARLING…….

 

(…fucking again………)

Stranger CRAP…….

….are you kidding me with this show…Sorry, sorry, I mean ‘Stranger Things’…that (supposedly) smash hit airing its second season on Netflix…I checked out the 1st season just because of all the rage and fanfare I was hearing…Ya know, it probably would’ve been creepy or scary…if I was fucking 7 years old…I can’t even remember how the season ended…All I can recall was there were a bunch of little kids riding around on their bikes all 10 seasons looking for a friend who was lost, or kidnapped, or missing…whatever…there is some sort of reference to a monster randomly throughout the entire 500 minutes and then finally at the end, that so-called ‘scary’ monster appears…and does…well, I have no idea what it does and what the cliffhanger is going into this ‘much-anticipated’ 2nd season…You know why…because the show was awful…not worth remembering…Yet, full-grown adults were counting down the days to watch this ‘kid’s show…Am I missing something here…??  I doubt it…when it comes to creepy and scary, I know my shit…Get out of here Stranger Things…you’re right ahead of Fuller House on the fear meter…

On the other hand, I spent a quiet evening in my 75 square foot luxury home nestled up on my couch in front of the fireplace with a few bottles of White Zinfandel at my side watching an American movie classic —- SAW II —- I’ve seen the original numerous times, so I figured I’d watch the sequel in spirit of the great Halloween holiday approaching…Usually I have my laptop in my lap (where it’s supposed to be, right..) fiddling around on whatever…not last night…I set it aside, kept my wine Zinfandel glass half-full and enjoyed 94 minutes of pure entertainment, terror and gore…The only interruptions were my bladder and throwing some more logs on the fire…It was a bit chilly here in Ashburn, VA…My loyal readers will remember that I placed the ‘Saw’ series #2 in my horror movie rankings (still my best post to date, in my opinion..)…If Mikey Myers wasn’t such a bad-ass and scary as fuck, this would be at the top…I almost jumped off the couch last week when I actually watched a commercial and saw they came out with another installment, ‘Jigsaw’…Even though it’s the 18th one, I guarantee it will be clever and suspenseful…What I did remember about Saw dos was the opening scene…This could be the best opening 3-plus minutes to a horror film ever…wanna see…sure, here ya go…Turn the volume up and watch at your own peril…and don’t be a pussy and turn it off after 45 seconds…

WOW…so fucking good…how could you not want to watch the next 90 minutes after that…he died, by the way…..poor bastard….

(The stopwatch you hopefully saw if you watched the entire clip looks just like the one my loving parents bought me when I was seven to use when I refereed my stuffed animals wrestling…you remember that, right..??  See, something special can come out of everything….I cried when that damn thing broke…it wasn’t attached to a ‘Death-Trap’ either…just so you know..)

Man, it’s your lucky day today…I’m gonna throw in some fitness for ya as well…Have you seen the latest, greatest exercise going around…Sorry, I’m lying, I’ve seen it for years, but just haven’t commented on it…Pay attention, this is complex shit here…This is a predominantly masculine event as the male will grab a pair of heavy dumbbells…one in each hand (amazing, I know..)…and then walk around the gym with them…and then walk around some more with them…and then continue walking…and then put them down and  move on to something else…Yes, that is the exercise people…fucking walking with heavy dumbbells for a period of time…make sure you have a grueling look on your face as well so everyone knows how difficult it is…pretty exciting, huh…Yeah, I know the fucking functional purpose behind it, but even if I was told doing this exercise every day would add 10 years to my life, I’d still be too embarrassed to perform it in public…I just can’t do something so ridiculous…I love fitness…and people…

I’ll leave you with this…God, I hope and pray I can post this on Facebook tonight with the perfect caption that 4 people will get…Let’s Go Boys….

..2nd ‘selfie’ ever…I shared the 1st  with you as well…This one is much more adorable though….(I miss you Deuce…)

Bye…

The Pathetic DC Sports Fans…and the Ever-Popular ‘Ellipsis’…

…the ‘what’…you might be saying…Ya mean you don’t know what an ellipsis is…well, here’s your answer…You just read through 7 of them in the past 4 seconds…I was perusing through a ‘technical’ writing book (yes, I do consider what I write here as being ‘technical’…very technical..) trying to improve myself and came across a section talking about an ‘ellipsis’ and it’s use in business writing…I really wasn’t paying attention until my eyes caught the 3 little dots after a sentence…I immediately thought, wait…these motherfuckers are steeling my writing style…Gammar invented the 3 little dots instead of a period to end most thoughts and sentences…What the fuck is with this ‘ellipsis’ thing…I continued reading as my blood pressure rose…It went on to define the ‘ellipsis’ as:  A series of dots (typically three, such as “…”) that usually indicates an intentional omission of a word, sentence, or whole section from a text without altering its original meaning…hmmm, really…that’s what I’ve been doing here for the past few years…I’m intentionally omissing a series of words without altering my original meaning…I don’t think so…An ‘ellipsis’ should be defined as someone just rambling away on the keyboard and the easiest way to end a sentence or thought is to just tap the ‘.’ keys 3 times with one’s right ring-finger…no space bar needed whatsoever…Come on…an ellipsis…gimme a fucking break with that term…should be called a ‘gammar’…

Okay, second thought…I’m very grateful to not have grown up in the DC area…Between the traffic, the expensiveness, the political rings, etc, I probably would’ve killed myself by now…(a little drastic, perhaps..)…But more importantly, if I grew up here, with my love of sports, I probably would’ve become a fan of the DC sports teams…and what a fucking nightmare that would be for me today…In case you need a quick recap… our teams (particularly 2 of them..) fucking dominate in the regular season and then shit-the-bed when the lights shine the brightest in the post-season…yeah, they fucking choke…that’s a better way to say it…Every fucking year it seems the city’s beloved Washington Capitals and Washington Nationals cruise through the regular season setting all kinds of records for winning their division/conference, blah, blah, blah…Too bad you don’t get trophies for that…And then the post-season starts and they forget how/are unable to perform…Sure, they come alive for stretches to force deciding games (mostly in their home arenas..) and give the fans much-needed hope and excitement…but then the diarrhea hits full-force leading to the same shit (…I know, just awful..) each year…A crushing loss leading the fans to ask, ‘what happened’…What incited me to write this are those ‘true, die-hard, passionate, loving’ fans who will post on Facebook afterwards shit like this, ‘What a great season the Nats had this year…such an exciting game…we were so close…so proud of them…we’ll get ’em next year..’  You know what this tells me…it tells me you’re not a competitor, you’ve never competed and been good enough to know what losing feels like…it sucks…Fuck next year…2 examples quickly came to mind with people like this…They might not be relevant at all, but I’m going to ramble more here and make you read them anyway…I feel like this ‘true, what a great season’ rah-rah fan would be happy for the person who just got the big promotion at work over themselves…Could that ever happen..??  Maybe with these sweet type of people…And, of course, this is the first thing that came to mind (probably no relevance whatsoever..)…you’re grinding at a video poker machine in a casino…the machine is letting you win just to keep your interest, but you’re not hitting anything substantial…you keep throwing money in it thinking, ‘it’s gonna hit, I can feel it..’ (Most people won’t feel or even understand this emotion…you have to have a gambling problem to experience it…it’s fucking wonderful, by the way..)…but it fucking doesn’t hit and finally after wasting a ton of money, you decide to move down a few machines and try your luck at a different one…within minutes, some loser sits down at your previous machine and before you know it, an attendant is standing over them handing them your money because that fucking loser just hit a jackpot…Are you fucking kidding me…Would you be happy for that person..??  Fuck no…but I feel like the lovable loser described above would go over there and give the winner a big ‘pat’ on the back and say, ‘Congratulations…I’m really happy for you…that was a great hit..’…Me, on the other hand, would want to punch the person square in the face and run off with some of the ‘jackpot’ money…Did this all make sense..??  If it didn’t, fuck it…it did to me…The bottom line is I don’t want to hear about how great the Caps and the Nats are during the regular season anymore…it doesn’t matter one bit…Why waste your time getting excited about regular season wins…We all know what happens when that season ends…their season basically ends…why put the fans through the torture of even playing the playoff games…

Did I mention above how fucking boring it is to watch a baseball game…Oh my God, I don’t know how people do it night after night…Don’t ever compare baseball to football…at least to me…you’ll never win that argument…I actually meant to talk about college football in this post, but as you probably can tell (if you made it this far..), I’ve rambled quite a bit and can for a while more if I get into my football rant…I’ll spare you, but reinforce my stance from last year — there’s no better sport in America than college football…just look at what happened last night…a shitty Syracuse team changed the entire landscape of the season last night as 24-point underdogs…Muchos gracias Orangemen, by the way…Every fucking game counts people…there’s no night’s off like the other sports can partake in…you take the night off in college football, your season pretty much ends if you’re a contender…argue that baseball geeks…

That’s enough here…Let’s hope Penn State is home resting…the 3-game gauntlet they have starting next week is brutal…They’ll never make it through that unscathed in my opinion…I’m a fucking realist, remember…

Sorry everyone…I was bad this morning…