Category Archives: Sarcastic fitness humor

Pee Bee Die…

…I know you guys have been waiting and wondering how my Santa Claus act/golf tournament went last weekend.  Well, let’s just say — the kids were happy (with their $3 toys…I’m sorry again boys and girls..) and the squad was happy…our ball-striking was wonderful, spectacular at times…and we only lost by 9 shots…It’s not all about winning folks…Some people love to post on social media what they eat or drink…and that’s fine..(not really..)..I’ll show you what a real golf course looks like and what makes Gammar happy for a day…I’m sure you guys think I’m never happy with all my negative bantering…not the case…

The entrance…had a good feeling when I saw this sign…(why is this damn picture so tall though..)
The view…that damn umbrella just jumped in the way at the moment of picture-taking impact…still gorgeous though…in these eyes…
Short Par 3 — Hole #2…bladed a shitty 9-iron short of the green…Made a nice 20-foot bender for birdie for our first circle of the day though…we high-fived each other (not pictured here..)
Signature Par 3 11th Hole — Struck a 7-iron perfect just short of the bunker on the right (that little white dot to the left of the pine tree straight ahead over the water..)…Looks like a long way, doesn’t it…only about 150 yards downhill…we made par…we didn’t high-five…

Bored yet…Alright, picture/story time is over…at least I’m not cursing every 15 words, right…

And afterwards….

HEY MARYLAND LIVE CASINO…….

…WE WON THIS TIME…

Actually won the pullover in the raffle at the tournament…pretty good day for John-John…

And finally…my loving roommate mentioned how cold my place was last week when the temperature dropped…She asked if she could turn on the heat to warm-up and of course, I said ‘yes’…I do like to keep the place cold, but I’m not an idiot and refuse to turn on the heat all winter…I expected her to flip it on that night, but when I got up for work, it was still a bit chilly…She mentioned she could barely make it to the bathroom in the mornings because she’s so cold (she even demonstrated the way she has to walk…not pictured here…cute though..)…I think she’s trying to make me feel bad — it worked…So Friday, before I left for work at 3AM, I walked over to the thermostat (that’s certainly a word I don’t write much..), brought my right hand up and flipped the little switch to ‘heat’…it kicked on immediately and the heat was flowing…I walked out into the cold with a wry smile on my face…

Can you say the ‘D’ word again……D*R*I*G….

I can……..

 

Guess Who….

….these are for..??  You have no chance, so I might as well just go ahead and tell you…Me and ‘the squad’ are playing in a Turkey Shoot scramble golf tournament this morning…the entry fee is $99…pretty fucking steep… but the course is really fucking good…so I’ll pay it, no problem…The caveat (whatever that means..) is if you bring an unwrapped toy, the entry fee goes down to $89…(starting to piece together the photo above yet..??)…much more affordable now, right..??  The tournament supports a good cause as it’s benefitting Toys for Tots…Now, I could’ve just rolled my ass out of bed this morning, ran my 5 miles, finish editing this lump of words, drove my ass the 56 miles up to the course, unloaded my clubs, and handed the cashier a crisp $100 bill and be done with it…but no sir, not this caring, thoughtful guy…After stopping off at the bank yesterday after work, I drove an extra 0.4 miles out of my way to stop at Toys-R-Us to pick up a few toys for the tots…to benefit the kids of course, not to save $10 on the entry fee…the money is not the issue here at all…As I formulated this kind gesture in my mind, I pictured myself walking out of the store with a couple action figures from like He-Man and Skeletor or something…ya know, shit that I got when I was a kid…they probably cost about $10 or so…I put it in my mind though to spend about $5 because the money isn’t important, remember…I’m not trying to save anything…it’s the thought that counts…I was a bit nervous about what I could get for that amount though…I was also nervous about what I was to find in Toys-R-Us, as I haven’t been in one in about 15 years…who knows what these stores even look like nowadays…do kids even play with fucking toys anymore..??  Don’t they all have cell phones and tablets starting at age 3…Luckily, I hit the jackpot as about 20 steps in I came across a ‘discount’ bin (I guess..) to my right advertising $1, $3, and $5 toys…I didn’t even think about the $1 toys…give me a break, what kind of toy can you get for a fucking dollar…I also couldn’t live with myself if I spent $3 for 3 toys…well, maybe I could…Anyway, I bypassed those and let my eyes wander to the $3 racks…’Come on John, you cheap fuck, don’t do it…you’re better than that’…And I am…I bypassed those as well and headed to the expensive shit…You’ll still be +$5 if you buy the $5 toys and of course, you’ll get more quality for that price…After about 18 seconds of diligent searching, I made the final decision to purchase what you see above…Some life skills will be built with these toys was my thought…I embarrassingly went to check out as I figured the girl manning the register would immediately know I got these from the clearance rack, but fuck it…she’ll never see me again after today…I still felt awkward though…As I watched her ring them in, I saw the total go from $5 to around $8 and end at $11 and change…Jesus Christ John…it doesn’t take 2 years of majoring in Math (God, I should’ve stuck with it…) to figure out I got a $5 toy and 2 $3 pieces of crap…I’m pathetic…can’t even spend $5 on a needful little boy or girl…(Notice how I bought 3 — you may be wondering why 3…well, because I don’t anticipate ‘the squad’ performing this gesture…sorry boys..)…The toys will still put a smile on a few kids’ faces though, I thought…Now granted, I’m sure I’ll have no problem doling out $20 for 3 beers on the golf course to the cute cart-girl a few times tomorrow…but yet I’m shopping at the discount rack for the poor kids…You know what though, for all you people who read this (7 maybe..) consistently and say to yourself, ‘why does John have to be so mean and nasty to everyone…why does he make fun of everyone and everything…can’t he just be nice for once’…Well, I’m proud of myself and believe I’ve topped the ‘nice’ category with this gesture…Actually….

I’M DARLING…….

 

(…fucking again………)

Stranger CRAP…….

….are you kidding me with this show…Sorry, sorry, I mean ‘Stranger Things’…that (supposedly) smash hit airing its second season on Netflix…I checked out the 1st season just because of all the rage and fanfare I was hearing…Ya know, it probably would’ve been creepy or scary…if I was fucking 7 years old…I can’t even remember how the season ended…All I can recall was there were a bunch of little kids riding around on their bikes all 10 seasons looking for a friend who was lost, or kidnapped, or missing…whatever…there is some sort of reference to a monster randomly throughout the entire 500 minutes and then finally at the end, that so-called ‘scary’ monster appears…and does…well, I have no idea what it does and what the cliffhanger is going into this ‘much-anticipated’ 2nd season…You know why…because the show was awful…not worth remembering…Yet, full-grown adults were counting down the days to watch this ‘kid’s show…Am I missing something here…??  I doubt it…when it comes to creepy and scary, I know my shit…Get out of here Stranger Things…you’re right ahead of Fuller House on the fear meter…

On the other hand, I spent a quiet evening in my 75 square foot luxury home nestled up on my couch in front of the fireplace with a few bottles of White Zinfandel at my side watching an American movie classic —- SAW II —- I’ve seen the original numerous times, so I figured I’d watch the sequel in spirit of the great Halloween holiday approaching…Usually I have my laptop in my lap (where it’s supposed to be, right..) fiddling around on whatever…not last night…I set it aside, kept my wine Zinfandel glass half-full and enjoyed 94 minutes of pure entertainment, terror and gore…The only interruptions were my bladder and throwing some more logs on the fire…It was a bit chilly here in Ashburn, VA…My loyal readers will remember that I placed the ‘Saw’ series #2 in my horror movie rankings (still my best post to date, in my opinion..)…If Mikey Myers wasn’t such a bad-ass and scary as fuck, this would be at the top…I almost jumped off the couch last week when I actually watched a commercial and saw they came out with another installment, ‘Jigsaw’…Even though it’s the 18th one, I guarantee it will be clever and suspenseful…What I did remember about Saw dos was the opening scene…This could be the best opening 3-plus minutes to a horror film ever…wanna see…sure, here ya go…Turn the volume up and watch at your own peril…and don’t be a pussy and turn it off after 45 seconds…

WOW…so fucking good…how could you not want to watch the next 90 minutes after that…he died, by the way…..poor bastard….

(The stopwatch you hopefully saw if you watched the entire clip looks just like the one my loving parents bought me when I was seven to use when I refereed my stuffed animals wrestling…you remember that, right..??  See, something special can come out of everything….I cried when that damn thing broke…it wasn’t attached to a ‘Death-Trap’ either…just so you know..)

Man, it’s your lucky day today…I’m gonna throw in some fitness for ya as well…Have you seen the latest, greatest exercise going around…Sorry, I’m lying, I’ve seen it for years, but just haven’t commented on it…Pay attention, this is complex shit here…This is a predominantly masculine event as the male will grab a pair of heavy dumbbells…one in each hand (amazing, I know..)…and then walk around the gym with them…and then walk around some more with them…and then continue walking…and then put them down and  move on to something else…Yes, that is the exercise people…fucking walking with heavy dumbbells for a period of time…make sure you have a grueling look on your face as well so everyone knows how difficult it is…pretty exciting, huh…Yeah, I know the fucking functional purpose behind it, but even if I was told doing this exercise every day would add 10 years to my life, I’d still be too embarrassed to perform it in public…I just can’t do something so ridiculous…I love fitness…and people…

I’ll leave you with this…God, I hope and pray I can post this on Facebook tonight with the perfect caption that 4 people will get…Let’s Go Boys….

..2nd ‘selfie’ ever…I shared the 1st  with you as well…This one is much more adorable though….(I miss you Deuce…)

Bye…

I Just Passed…..

…actually blew right by…this fine piece of machinery….

I’m certainly not a ‘car’ person…but this garnered my attention…Pretty nice, huh Leo..??

…in the right, non-passing lane, no less…even him revving his engine up to 120,000 rpm’s (???’s..) was no match for the slick blue metallic Mazda3 I was navigating…Sorry buddy, better luck next time…

As for fitness today (remember, this is supposed to be a ‘fitness’ blog…I should probably mention something about it every now and then..)…I did 175 push-ups…in a row…225 jumping jacks, 150 windmills, 250 mountain climbers, and ended with 75 ‘reach-for-the-skies’…right after I did a few ‘hurdler’ stretches…I couldn’t feel any better right now…

Penn State needs to win convincingly tonight…..

 

 

Is That Wrong…

So I was headed back to beautiful, muggy Northern Virginia Sunday morning after surprising my parents up in lame Northeast Pennsylvania on Saturday…(I know it’s not a complete sentence, whatever…)…This was after a delightful day of visiting an aquarium, volunteering some time at a local shelter, and singing in the choir at church in the evening…Sure beats watching college football, gambling in a casino, or having a few drinks…I promise, we didn’t do any of those things…really didn’t have time…we were singing, remember….

Anyway, on my ride home, reminiscing about the rather powerful version of ‘Holy, Holy, Holy’ we belted out in the chorus the previous evening, I was completely relaxed and content.  We really fucking nailed that song, I have to admit…I’m basically a ‘cruise’ driver when it comes to driving long distances…I set the speedometer to how fast I want to go and just try to stay out of anyone’s way…Who am I kidding, I pretty much do that in any type of driving I do…I was in the right lane minding my own business listening to some Pearl Jam (‘Jeremy’ if you must know..) when I noticed a car in the passing lane approaching fairly fast…The problem was he was halfway out of his lane to the left and barely on the road…He corrected the problem rather quickly (most likely hit those built-in crevices, or whatever the hell they’re called, that make your car vibrate uncontrollably and make that loud, annoying noise that instantly wakes you up from a deep sleep..), veered somewhat back into the center of the lane and proceeded.  Luckily for me, his erraticness  behind me ended as he passed me in a flash and continued his loose driving…He went back and forth between lanes for a few more miles, but at least he was in front of me now and definitely exceeding my cruising speed.  As ‘Jeremy’ contemplated killing himself in the song (I think that’s what it’s about..), I contemplated how this jackass might kill himself or someone else if he keeps driving like he is…I was completely fascinated though…I had to make my way into the passing lane and was a good 75 yards behind the Swerver when I saw him completely bee-line to the right…There certainly wasn’t much road there and only about 10 yards of ditch/grass before a large scaled rock structure/small mountain awaited.  Luckily for Jeremy, the grass was fairly thick and he didn’t hit the structure as hard as he could have.  But how could I know for sure…’Wow’, I thought, ‘did that really just happen..??’  Hell yeah, it did…Small pieces of his car flew up onto the road for us to avoid, but not many…By the time (seconds) I got to where the crash took place, the guy was already out of the car and stumbling towards the road looking a bit disoriented, but not bloodied at all…I put my brakes on and contemplated moving over to the right lane to eventually stop and make sure the individual was okay, but then realized there was a car directly to my right…I couldn’t get over, and by then I was at least 100 yards past the accident scene.  There were 2 cars who were stopping, so I didn’t want to crowd the scene with my presence.  They could surely handle things.  As I drove a few more seconds, again, I said to myself, ‘wow’…this time followed by, ‘man, that was pretty cool..’…So, is that wrong..??

As for fitness, I watched an interview of a wrestler from Iowa claiming he could do 112 pull-ups in a row…not a fucking chance, dude…And there’s my fitness perspective, as you all anxiously wait for each week………

The Map…

So, to update my life…as I know you guys/gals all look forward to…I have a new human being inhabiting my 2nd 285-square-foot bedroom…no German Shepherd included, but she’s darling, I must say…smarter than me and all the stuffed animals I have living at my place combined…we say about 18 words to each other every day…it’s fucking great…About a week-and-a-half into her stay, she innocently asked me (via text..remember, we don’t want to waste our 18 words actually fucking speaking..) where the ‘garbage bin’ (her words) was at my complex…Since she’s so intelligent, I half-heartedly thought she was being sarcastic…I hate those type of people, by the way…I politely (as always..) responded saying I can direct her when she gets home…This was forgetting the fact that I go to bed at around 6:45PM each night…I totally forgot that part…(I know I already said that…that was the point…)…She’s a normal human being, so she stays up until at least 8:30 on school nights…I responded with this text (exact words) laying in bed at 6:51PM…

John-John:  The dumpster is pretty much diagonal from our building.  If you drive around the complex, you can’t miss it…nite…(remember, I was going to bed at fucking 6:54PM…)

She playfully responded (God only knows when…my stupid phone doesn’t tell me the exact time when people text when I turn it off…I’m sure I can fuck around with it to tell me, but I’m not that ambitious…)… : I’m still holding out for that map.  Followed by another separate text with an emoji…Gammar doesn’t do emoji’s…so that won’t show up here…sorry…

Upon seeing that at 2:30AM, I took a few hours before going to work in the morning to delicately and skillfully craft this piece of art to direct her…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m darling…

THE END

THE CROSSFIT GAMES…

…WOW…what a SPECTACLE this SHIT is…the brute strength, speed, determination, flexibility, power, agility, solitude (whatever..), dexterity, coordination and idiocy these people show…     ….     ….     …… ………  …..   sorry, I just needed some of my trademark to collect my thoughts here…Really…like I want to see these people doing thousands of shitty-ass pull-ups and running around in their matching tank-tops and tight-fit shorts (females not included..) racing to beat the clock after performing a few hundred clean-and-jerks and jumping jacks …it’s obviously a ‘dead’ season in sports, so I can understand why this shit is put on the air…I know, being an athlete myself, there were certain achievements I was proud of…I won’t deny it…I remember being a sophomore in college and maxing out on the bench at 125lbs…Man, I was proud…almost got the 45lb plates on each side…or hitting my longest drive on the golf course just a few years ago…it was downwind and downhill, but that fucker went at least 185 yards…and it was fucking straight too…but there was never a time in my functional life that I was required to carry a some sort of thousand-pound boulder an excessive distance to try and place it on a shelf above shoulder height (I know dipshits/haters, this is a ‘Strongman’ competition event..or perhaps it is part of your stupid competition…whatever..)…who does this shit…and who cares…The funny thing is I’ve never watched a fucking second of these ‘Games’…people text me asking if I’m watching and I just laugh…no thanks…watching Jordan Spieth cut a 190-yard 6-iron through a 4-inch gap in the trees fulfills all my entertainment needs…I spent my life in fitness and met so many great people…and I’m truly grateful…I traveled to so many great places because of them…played golf courses I should never step foot on…but you know what, the Crossfit Games…I can really give a…..

…about…

It’s called having a sense of humor people…you should try and get one if you find this offensive…I feel bad for you as well…

Finish the deal Zach…finish the fucking deal…