Category Archives: Sarcastic fitness humor

Did I Ever Mention…

…how much I love refereeing…District finals, 195lbs…so glad I was part of this viral video…a shame we can’t get footage of what happened afterwards…I actually feared for my life for about 10 seconds thinking I might get stabbed…..too many horror movies I guess….

Falcons…

…the ‘assaulter’ won the match by the way…not after that though…

(I really hope you guys can open this huge 7 second video…it doesn’t appear on my end that you can…I suck at technology…sorry…)

 

 

 

2017 Fitness Update…

Since this is supposed to be a ‘fitness’ blog, I thought I’d take a few minutes here to update you on all the New Year’s fitness resolutions I’ve noticed the past 27 days.  Lots of different and interesting stuff out there…

People continually still…

  • Have no fucking idea how to exercise.
  • Don’t care to learn how to exercise correctly and efficiently.
  • Feel the need to hold on incessantly on treadmills and stairmasters.  Yep, cranking the incline up to 26% on the ‘ol treadmill while grasping the display monitor in front of you is absolutely correct and a huge calorie burner.  Take your hands off for 10 seconds and see what happens.  Same goes for the underhand hold on the stairmonster.  Read my book, I go into more depth on this technique there.
  • Lift weights way too fast and not through a full range of motion.  I can spend days on this one…thank God I won’t…
  • Purchase ridiculous matching workout clothes hoping looking good/cool will translate into losing weight, getting stronger, increasing flexibility, or whatever the fuck else they’re trying to accomplish.  Doesn’t work like that dumb-ass(es)…
  • Stand around and talk way too much to each other when they should be exercising.  At least jump on the bike at level 1 and pedal for a few minutes.  Or better yet, hop on the treadmill, push the ‘up’ incline button continually until it maxes out and then take your hands and….you know the rest of the story…
  • Carry around gargantuan water bottles for no apparent reason.
  • Fail to break a sweat even though they’ve been at the gym over an hour now (how is that possible…if you’re actually exercising..)…
  • Invent exercises which have no purpose and couldn’t begin to tell ya why they are performing them and what muscle groups they’re supposed to be engaging.
  • Wear full-length ‘leggings’ under shorts.  Guys only on this one…My God, what you are thinking..??  You look fucking ridiculous…you’re not a professional athlete…and never will be…This seems to be happening more and more…thanks Under Armour for introducing this fine piece of apparel…
  • Show up with…

Okay, okay, you get the point…no need to go on…looks like 2017 is shaping up to produce the same kind of results/characters as 2016 and 2015 and 2014 and…This is shocking to me as I really thought this was the year America turned it around and got their act together fitness-wise…Yeah right…I’m not holding my breath on this one…

Alright, got that out of the way…On to more important shit…I thought the other day about the fact that this was going to be the first weekend in about 5 months where there will be no football to watch and enjoy…and I kind of got a bit depressed…but only for a few minutes…Remember, sports are great…I gave you a few examples why earlier in this blog…Here’s another big reason…

I purposely left out his lower body as his sneakers, and especially, his socks, aren’t to my liking in this outfit…love the shirt and headband though…

How can anyone not like this guy?  I don’t think I’ve ever heard a person say, ‘Yeah, I’m not a big fan of that Federer guy’…or something of that nature.  Never…He’s a cool cat on the court and although I’ve never personally hung out with him, I’m thinking he’s pretty cool off the court as well…I’ve never played competitive tennis, but know an artist on the court when I see one…He’s a joy to watch and hopefully he can win 3 more sets early Sunday morning to claim another Grand Slam title against his arch-rival Rafael Nadal (why him, of all people..)…Great sports story even if you’re not a tennis fan…As well as the William’s sisters making the finals on the other gender’s side…I’d like to see big Sis Venus spank (not literally) little Sis Serena in this one…

The other reason was this guy…

Oh God, where the fuck is that going…..

…and the expression tells it all…Tiger is scheduled to play the next 4 out of 5 weeks barring injury, I guess…For golf fans, even those who dislike Tiger, this is what we want…When Tiger’s playing, ESPN is scrolling his updated score across the bottom of the screen constantly…How about when World #1 Jason Day, or Jordan, or Rory, or Phil are playing…PPP-leaseeee…tune into Sportscenter 20 minutes in, watch 2 great shots they hit on highlights, and then find out their score for the day…Like it or not, Tiger moves the needle, but unless he shoots 66 today (came in with a dazzling 76 yesterday..), the needle will be dry over the weekend because Tiger won’t be joining the field and will be flying to his next tournament still wondering how the fuck to keep his ball in the fairway…And I’ll be severely disappointed…

Clemson/Alabama a few weeks ago…how great was that (Congrats again Paul)…Another prime example of why we love sports…no need for further commentary…

I had a dream the other night that I couldn’t do one push-up…one God-damn push-up…can you believe that…I woke up and actually rolled right out of my bed to the floor just to make sure all my axons, dendrites, muscle spindles, fibers, and mitochondria were still functional and cranked out 3 solid push-ups…take that sub-consciousness (I don’t know what that means either..)…

Oh, I know I made fun of New Year’s Resolutions a few weeks ago…but I actually made one myself, I really did…It’s quite simple — play more golf this year…I had such a great time playing New Year’s Eve in 30-degree, 25MPH winds that I feel it needs to be replicated more in 2017…Dancing around like Justin Bieber listening to my I-pod (while playing) is something no one needs to see besides myself though…Only true ‘readers’ will get that reference…

Lastly, who the fuck orders a chocolate milkshake with extra whip cream to drink at 6:05 in the morning…

Thus concludes my 2017 fitness update…

 

 

Year number 2017 has begun…

…So I went shopping for a new pair of casual black shoes this afternoon to wear to all the casinos, cigar bars, strip clubs and hostels I visit throughout the year. I had a gift card from Macy’s, so I decided to take my ass over to the fabulous Dulles Mall minutes from my house. Let me get this out there first: like most cool, heterosexual males, I don’t enjoy shopping one bit. My goal is to get in and out of there as quickly as possible while still purchasing what I set out to purchase. God forbid I have to visit another fucking store to shop…

Okay, so after wandering around for about 10 minutes trying to find the “men’s” department (it’s on the bottom floor, by the way..), I approached the shoe section and saw a plentiful selection. No doubt I’ll find a pair here. What I also saw was an old fucker pretending to look busy while not dropping dead on the spot. ‘Oh great’, I thought, this old bastard is going to pester me the entire time as there was not another soul in sight. So I saunter up to the department and start browsing. They pretty much all look the fucking same if you ask me…the deciding factor was going to be less than 3 digits to the left of the decimal point in the price…an 8 or 9 in a 2-digit number wasn’t going to fly either…the brand name was no factor whatsoever…Did I mention they all looked the fucking same..?? Well, the exact opposite happened as to what I was expecting…the old geezer wanted nothing to do with me…never said a word until about 5 minutes in as I had to come within 4 feet of him to look at 8 more pair of the same looking shoes…he then throated, ‘you doing okay?’ Hell yeah, just keep ignoring me until I ask you to go fetch me a few pair of the same looking shoes…I found this a bit strange as I assume this guy is working on some sort of commission and should be thrilled to have something ‘real’ to do…perhaps I’m wrong on this assumption…Anyway, I found 36 pair that I liked, but asked him for one specific pair to hunt for. He didn’t entirely look annoyed when I interrupted him, which was a pleasant surprise…after a few minutes, he returned empty-handed and informed me that ‘the system’ said they don’t have them. Okay, strike one…I found 2 others that looked the same in my price range, so I bugged him again. This time, after 180 seconds or so, he came back with 2 boxes. He gave me the boxes, informed me he also had a size 8.5 in one of the styles, returned to pretend to do something, but most importantly, left me alone. I tried on the shoes and determined the (size) 8 felt good (I usually take an 8.5 though..), but I should probably ask for the 8.5 just to be sure…so this made Ronald (his name tag at least said that..) put a few more steps on his Fitbit (God no, he wasn’t wearing one..) searching out my request. They turned out to be a bit loose, so I decided on the 8’s. Not too bad, I think this whole process took about 13 minutes thus far. I told my servant my request to purchase and he led me to the register. I could tell I totally fucked him up as I handed him my $50 gift card. He blankly looked at it for a second trying to process how to proceed on his touch-screen. The shoes (which looked the same as some others) were regularly $90, but were on sale for $79.99 (not $80, $79.99..). I decided to not use my other $50 gift card and pay the rest in cash. Poor Ronald was totally screwed now…He managed to get the gift card through and then asked if I had a Macy’s card…DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A FUCKING MACY’S CARD RONALD…that was a negative, but I can tell by his screen that it still gave me the extra 15% discount…sweet, I’ll take it…now I owed him $22.07…I gave him $25…’Gosh-darn-it’ was the next thing I heard as something was not letting him proceed on his screen…Perhaps it figured out I didn’t possess an all-important Macy’s card…a few more minutes passes as Ronald used the same 3-syllable slur a few more times…I totally expected him to have to go and find someone to help him, but my man came through by cancelling the initial transaction and then processing the store’s Macy’s card first, followed by my gift card. Poor Ronald then had to pull out his handy-dandy calculator to figure out he owed me $2.93 back…such a sweet kid…Not sure why the register couldn’t do that complex math…Either way, those few extra minutes spent by Ronny trying to buck the system saved me a few dollars…hopefully they went directly into his pocket as he looked like he could use a solid meal…Mission accomplished…new pair of shoes without spending an eternity in the store…

Oh, Happy New Year, by the way…I guess as a fitness blog I was supposed to write about New Year’s Resolutions and starting an exercise program and eating healthy and getting in shape and whatever…why can’t you do all that shit in April or September…New Year’s Resolutions…what a fucking waste…

Okay, now you know where I stand on that subject…don’t ya want to see the new shoes I purchased from Ronald…here ya go…

Pretty fucking awesome, huh…..

#100…

…as I suspected, no one guessed which famous athlete PSU QB Trace McSorley looks like…can’t say there were a lot of attempts either…here’s one more hint before I reveal who it is come March…he’s a very famous professional golfer…again, the eyes are the key people…

I debated about writing this, but obviously the debate was overruled…I have some very sad news about one of my main subjects here at the site…I found out that Barbie’s 19-year old son passed away from a seizure a few weeks ago…heartbreaking, to say the least…I finally saw her back training the other day and again saw her at the grocery store later in the day…She looked sad and out of it for the most part…I just wanted to give her a big hug, but didn’t think it would be appropriate coming from a complete stranger in the middle of the produce section…poor thing, I can’t imagine…

So I had to ref a dual meet this afternoon at 1:30 in the afternoon.  It was definitely an odd time considering the kids wrestling are supposed to be in fucking class at that hour.  Whatever…I show up and the entire gym is marked off by section with tons of banners and shit like that…Something was up obviously…I then met the head coach and he informed me that the gym would be jam-packed with students who were getting out of school early…And that’s exactly what happened…at about 1:15, the kids started entering and didn’t stop until about 1:40…the place was packed to the rafters…I guarantee 99.8% of the attendance had no idea what they would be watching in a few minutes…Metallica’s Enter Sandman blared as the Westfield Bulldogs took the mat, while the home team Chantilly Chargers had AC/DC’s Thunderstruck to welcome them…I have to admit, I was pretty pumped, but a bit nervous as well…and then following a very nice student’s version of the national anthem, I tripped going onto the mat and almost fell flat on my face in front of the entire student body…luckily, my massive amount of dexterity saved me from extreme embarrassment…I’m hoping to get a few pictures of this event, or even a video, to show you the atmosphere…it was pretty cool…I nailed it, by the way…

As for the title of this post, well boys and girls, this is my 100th post…can you fucking believe it..??  It all started back on September 5th of last year…I thank each and every one of you who have read all 100…I know they are few and far between, but even if you only read 37 of them, I appreciate it as well…I can’t promise another 100, but I’ll sure fucking try for ya…Thanks again for the support..!!

Gammar

 

No one, no one…

will get this…look at McSorley’s eyes and tell me what famous athlete has those same features…just his eyes…I told ya, you have no idea…sorry, at least I made you think for 8 seconds…below is my Facebook post today…you know if I post, it’s fucking important…

3 things — 1. How’s this for a bold statement — Trace McSorley for Heisman…who’s been better the past 9 weeks…yeah, you’re right, fucking nobody…2. I write on my blog all the time about sports being great…and last night delivered again…If you didn’t grow up in Wisconsin and weren’t rooting for Penn State, stop watching…3. And to piss a bunch of people off…the sports world is in a much better place today because of this guy playing…

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The Man…

Scrabble Winners

I have to admit, I was shocked at how many people were able to use the 6 random letters I gave you — D E I D R E — and manipulate those into the correct name I was looking for — D E I D R E…I guess society is a lot smarter than I thought…Congrats to all those who guessed the winning combination…I’m quite sure there were a lot of guesses and a lot of time taken to figure this puzzle out…

I was asked how I finally learned Barbie’s name…I happened to get lucky one day when I entered the gym to find her at the front desk…I finally got a straight, clear look…It’s been difficult these past couple months trying to get a glimpse at her miniscule name tag without coming across as staring at her huge surgically impaired inflatable chest…Not to mention her long black hair blocking the view most of the time…I actually thought I saw ‘Christine’ one morning and almost reported that to you guys…thankfully, I showed some patience, stayed the course and got the correct name…solid journalism there people…She just doesn’t look like a ‘Deidre’ to me…then again, who does…

Perhaps you’d like to see for yourself…As I was walking by the ‘trainers’ desk at Gold’s one day, I glanced at the business cards (for no apparent reason) and got lucky again and saw the name Deidre Garcia…as you know, I’m a very curious person so I decided to see if this chick is some sort of fitness competitor/model/bodybuilder/etc…I think I looked for her on Facebook first and found what I was looking for…Yep, she certainly is…a proud member of the IFBB (International Federation of Bodybuilding and Fitness ((shouldn’t it be the IFBBF then..??))…anyway, she’s starred in a bunch of these posts and if you have any of my curiosity genes, I thought you might want to see who exactly I’m writing about/stalking here…Google Deidre Garcia IFBB and you’ll get all your answers…or not…..

Okay, I didn’t want to make this all about my obsession with Barbie, so I’ll throw this little tidbit in that I witnessed yesterday afternoon…middle-aged women in her 40’s I’d guess…on treadmill…incline set at about 75% (that’s very steep)…speed about 1.8mph (in other words, very fucking slow…), towel wrapped around horizontal bar in front of treadmill…hands holding both ends of said towel while sauntering away without a care in the world like what she’s doing is normal…I had to watch this mess for about 20 minutes and then couldn’t take it anymore…What in the world are people thinking..??  Who does this…And you wonder why I don’t write about fitness each and every time I post here…the stupidity of people just blows my mind and makes me want to grab that fucking towel of hers and wrap it around her neck and………..

Okay, that’s enough…you guys and gals have a nice evening…

Go open up your ‘google’ page now……D e i……….

SCRABBLE anyone..??

Just found out Barbie’s real name — miraculously, it’s not actually ‘Barbie’…Here are your letters to choose from — D E I D R E — first person who deciphers it gets to meet Pat and Vanna and spin the Wheel of Fortune…Good Luck!!  I’ve often wondered how heavy that wheel is…have you..??  And also the wheel on The Price is Right…some of the bigger guys seem like they can knock it right off its rails if they put their full effort into it…Not sure where this game show obsession is coming from as I haven’t watched a full episode of either one of these classic shows in years…

I always said the person who won both Showcases from my last post was one of the sharpest people I’ve ever met…he didn’t disappoint here as he nailed it…Last Thursday was the start of the college football season — 2nd best Thursday of the year…The best Thursday of the year is the start of The Masters each April…

I knew Thanksgiving would fuck a bunch of people up…