Category Archives: Sarcastic fitness humor

Poor Tiger…..

So my avid readers will remember months ago the clip I posted of a wrestling match I had the honor of being involved in.  Granted, I was just the ‘assistant’ referee (that means I basically do nothing but stand there and pretend I’m interested in the match going on while I ponder how not to mess up the next match I’ll be in charge of..), but nonetheless, I was front and center when the end of match festivities took place.  Let’s just say ‘the assault’, for all those who remember.  Well, because of that, I had the honor of being subpoenaed to court to testify about what happened.  Wow, I thought, as I spoke to the officer…Me, being subpoenaed…hell yeah, I need a subpoena to get out of work…I really didn’t, but doesn’t everyone want to be subpoenaed at least once in their life…After weeks of thinking there’s no way this case is ever going to go through, there I was last Thursday morning trudging my way to the Fairfax County Judicial Court for a 10AM trial.  I was told to get there early so that meant I was going to be in the heart of traffic here in great Northern VA at that hour.  I left work around 8AM thinking that should give me plenty of time to get there to do whatever the fuck I had to do before this ‘national’ assault case.  At this point, I still didn’t even know the exact charges as all the lawyers who were supposed to contact me beforehand decided there was no need for that…We’ll just talk at the court I guess.  My 8 o’clock departure did indeed give me plenty of time to arrive at my destination only to behold the colossal Fairfax County Court House.  Holy shit, what an impressive structure…we must have a lot of bad people in this county…and boy do we ever…After parking and wasting 10 minutes in my car doing nothing, I grabbed my book (they told us to bring something to read as sometimes these things drag out and can get pretty boring..) and headed to the court house…Along with all the criminals of the county and their parent/parents.  My God, it was like leading a herd of sheep (that’s the animal that kept coming to mind when thinking about this during my run this morning…I have nothing against sheep, by the way…sorry guys..) to slaughter…It seemed like hundreds of teenagers with headphones in staring at their fucking phones were about 10 paces behind their annoyed-looking, ‘I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening’ parent.  Most of the cases were one parent as I’m sure they flipped a coin as to who would have to take this dreaded Thursday morning responsibility.  I was actually excited about the ordeal, these people certainly weren’t.  I wanted the whole court room experience…the drama, the judge, the jury, the tension, the everything…Bring on a Dateline trial baby…Yeah, right…I got there way too early, wandered around the 21 floors (exaggeration), checking out all the court rooms with full dockets all morning and afternoon…Jesus Christ, all these cases on a Thursday…how many bad people do we have in this county…Here’s your answer — a fucking lot…

I’m not going to bore you with every minor detail, as there really wasn’t anything exciting to report.  We spoke briefly, and I mean briefly, to the Commonwealth of VA attorney about the incident as he acted like it was the first time hearing about anything.  Glad to see our tax dollars going to a worthy cause…Wasn’t there any preparation for this thing…Kevin (the main ref for the match) and I basically sat there expressing our disbelief over and over again of it really coming to this…Tiger, as the head-butter is referred to by his friends (nickname..), and his parents decided nonchalantly to show up at ten minutes before ten.  There was no sign of the kid who got head-butted.  We finally got called into the court room around 10:30 only to find an empty chamber with just the lawyers, judge and defendant.  So much for that huge Dateline trial, I disappointingly thought…The attorneys, or lawyers (what’s the fucking difference..) were going back and forth with numbers before the court was even called to order…Most people I told about this said it would most likely be settled beforehand without even a trial starting…More mild bickering and pacing back and forth was taking place between the lawyers as I overheard them saying shit like ‘we’ll probably settle this’ soon…What..??  I came all this way, sat still for all this time only to get no type of court experience…I want to be on the stand baby…Anyway, the prosecutor (I guess that’s what he’s called..) came over to us after a few minutes and said, ‘I know the tension is high in here, so you might want to leave the courtroom..’…What..(again..)…what fucking tension…My God, this isn’t a double homicide here…Kevin and I reluctantly left the court room wondering what was going to happen next…When we got outside, we did recognize the kid who was head-butted sitting with his attorney collaborating with the VA prosecutor (I guess..)…About 20 minutes later, the officer who had called us there told us we were free to go as they were settling…The lawyer and the kid who was assaulted then approached and thanked us for being there.  I guess ‘us’ being there really strengthened their case…Well, glad I was able to help in some fucking way here…Kevin and I then walked past all the criminals of the county and their representatives not knowing how the case even ended up…

Well, Johnny certainly wasn’t going to be satisfied with that verdict…The officer told us he would send us the following video as I was hoping to get a bit more footage than the last video I shared with you guys…He came through on his promise so that’s when I asked him if I was allowed to ask how the case was resolved…He told me the initial offer was to pay the plaintiff $800 to cover medical bills and whatever else…then it went to $1200, and finally was accepted at $1600 and the headbutter would not have any criminal record after some type of probation…really exciting stuff…Way to go Tiger…

I’m hoping you can somehow open this file below as I couldn’t down and upload it like I usually can…there’s a bit more footage, but nothing like I wanted as the good stuff starts after it cuts off again…

IMG_1113

I actually was a bit surprised at how calm Kevin and I were initially as it seemed like everything escalated within milliseconds at the time…My left hand to the criminal’s back right at the end definitely calmed everything down after that though….Both wrestlers sucked, by the way…Did I mention that…

On another note, I just wanted to add that I didn’t write the bad-word book I talked about last time here…another guy did, I just read it…I actually lost a few followers after that post…gimme a break…people have no sense of humor these days…I actually wrote to the guy commending his brilliance and briefly talked about how I feel bad every time I use that nasty word…I added the following about my Mom and her distaste of it…’My Mom won’t even make my favorite meals anymore when I come home for my birthday and Christmas’…I thought that was one of my best lines ever…I got no response from the fucker…

What, did you think I was going to talk about another Tiger here……

I Know What You’re Thinking…

…man John, that is one fucking scary mask you have there…Or perhaps you’re trying to figure out the missing word at the end of the book title…Ha, you just said a bad word to yourself…you probably just said it again…Yes, this is a book…as you can see, a New York Times Bestselling book…this is a book I’m currently reading…this is a book a client gave me because he knew I would enjoy it…this is a book I am thoroughly enjoying…

I know 80% of my readers (funny, that sounds like I have thousands of readers tuning in every few weeks to read my rambles..) cringe when I use that bad word (sort of) spelled out above…3 of them I’m related to…’I don’t see why you have to use that word John’ is what I hear quite often…I don’t really, but either do the countless movies and TV shows we all enjoy…it’s reality, people say the word and use it in many different ways…

Mr. Manson uses it quite often in his writing above…In fact, on page 5 he used it 11 times, including 6 times in one paragraph (the paragraph had only 18 words…that’s a lie, sorry…)…I haven’t cringed once while reading it and I’m not even half-way through the book…The gist of the book is that people give a ____ about way too many things…It’s impossible to not give a ____ about anything, but we need to cut down on the things we do give a ____ about…For instance, I witnessed a gentleman in front of me in the self-check out line visibly getting upset at an 85-year old lady taking way too long to scan her Metamucil (I don’t even know what that is..), almond milk and granola…Granted, Grandma should’ve never been in that lane to begin with, but unless this jackass is losing thousands of dollars for every minute he’s not back at work, calm the fuck down…Or the guy who was noticeably upset at me for taking my time in my car while leaving the gym…he was actually sitting there waiting for me so he could get a parking spot 25 feet closer to the entrance…I took my sweet ‘ol time doing everything imaginable to make that lazy fuck wait a few extra minutes…I just couldn’t get my sunglasses to sit correctly on my head for some reason….

Okay, sorry Mom, Lauren and Leo…I’m done using the bad word…for this post…

On another note, the gym I currently go to has been closed for the past few months due to extensive water damage…what a kick in the ass this has been…I’ve been forced to drive an extra 4 minutes to another Gold’s gym where I’ve seen an overabundance of tank-tops, holder-‘on’ers, piss poor exercise technique, exercises that aren’t even exercises, people wearing clothing that should never be stitched together, etc…ya know, pretty much the same shit…On the bright side, my gym has promised to be better than ever when it reopens this Tuesday…new cardio machines, new strength training equipment, new flooring, new everything…Wow, talk about being excited…I can’t _______ wait……

Enjoy the horsies today…

 

 

 

WillPower and Wrastling…

With my last few posts focusing on anything but fitness (that’s really not true…wrestling is sort of fitness-related), it got me thinking about one of the most popular topics in the health and fitness industry — losing weight.  And basically my thoughts were, ya know, just do it.  We did it as immature, irresponsible kids, why can’t mature, responsible adults do it.  I can’t remember anyone on my team or the opposing team for that matter ever being overweight and not being able to compete.  Just fucking do what you have to do and shed a few pounds.  Ya think I wanted to get up and run 5 miles this morning before finishing writing this…I know a friend out West who probably doubled my mileage after drinking 5 or 6 cosmos last night without batting an eye (I think that’s the right expression..)…I remember my Mom always saying I had great ‘willpower’ during wrestling season…one can define that however one wants, but I always thought of it as being able to contain myself and not overeat or drink…A client gave me some Girlscout cookies a few weeks ago…I could easily have eaten the entire box in one sitting (really isn’t that much…they really should put more in those boxes for the price), but I don’t…I have a few at a time and that’s that…

I’m actually glad I went on my run this morning as I remembered what I came up with a few weeks ago when thinking about writing this post.  How about this scenario — Every time a person goes to a trainer for advice to lose weight, they immediately go to their local bank afterward.  If a person tells the trainer they want to lose 20 pounds in a few months, then their bank account is deducted $1000 every week they don’t lose at least a pound.  And there’s no backing out of the initial agreement.  Ya think that’ll motivate some people to stick to what their trainer or just common sense tells them.  I guarantee more results with my plan…

Not to beat a dead horse here, but I’ll always remember an overweight client telling me 2 things years ago.  She’s a person who did every class known to man, belonged to 4 gyms, tried every diet, yada, yada, yada…’I can’t do cardio John, it’s too boring’ and ‘I can’t get up before 8 o’clock to exercise, I’m too tired’…I can’t believe you’re so fucking lazy is what I wanted to say…I didn’t though…People like her have no chance and deserve to called the 3-letter ‘f’ word…she’s fat, and always will be…don’t take offense…

I know a Serbian amateur star tennis player who lost 25-30 lbs in 6 months no problem.  Ya know why, she worked her ass off and started eating better.  I’ve been friends with a guy who I’ve given endless advice and training over the years only to see his weight yo-yo up and down without ever coming close to reaching his goal.  Within the past 18 months, after finally bearing down on his eating and exercising, he’s lost close to 40 lbs and I can barely recognize the skinny fuck…and I say that in the nicest way possible.  Our good friend QOS on the site here squatted and ran/hobbled her way to earning the name ‘skinny’ from me within months of us initially meeting.  For some reason, these people give credit to me, but I did absolutely nothing besides keep them company while they worked their ass off.  It can be done people, just go and do it…..

Okay, okay…that’s enough of this serious shit…You all know how much I love sports of all kinds.  March Madness this time of year is fantastic, football is always king, and I’ll even delve into the NBA and NHL playoffs when they start in a few weeks.  And who cannot wait for the greatest 4-day event in sports which starts in a few weeks.  With all that said, last Saturday night was 3 of the greatest hours of sports I’ve ever watched.  And it wasn’t March Madness…It was the NCAA Wrestling Championships.  Granted, I’m biased…Penn State crowned 5 straight individual National Champions to end the night and ran away with the team championship to make it 6 of the last 7 years.  Just the way shit went down made it all so awesome…I’ve had a bunch of wrestling (not Penn State fans per se) fans say the same thing.  There were upsets and plenty of drama around every corner…Even people who know nothing about the sport would’ve enjoyed it…I guarantee that…

The one example that came to mind when I thought about other great sporting events was watching Tiger play on a broken leg (not known at the time) in the 2008 US Open in primetime.  Nothing better than watching Tiger and a Major tournament when it’s dark outside and the beers are flowing…Denise, Vinny and Lori shared this great evening as Tiger rolled in two 50+ feet eagle putts and then chipped in from off the green on another occasion late in the round for good measure.  It was just a sick display of golf…This is when Tiger was still Tiger and none of his scandal was out in the open yet…And his back was not that of an 85-year old…One can only hope we can have another ‘Tiger’ moment like this again…

I’ll stop rambling and leave you with the highlight of the evening last Saturday…Here’s the set-up — The guy counting the lights (wrestling expression) in orange was a 2-time NCAA champion as a junior…the guy that made him count the light fixtures is a true freshman from some Pennsylvania school…I would’ve sent you the entire match, but only about 3 of ya would watch all 8 minutes…kinda wish they gave us a bit more though…pretty cool shit nonetheless…

I wish there was a camera on what me and my buddy did after this happened…well, then again, maybe not…

Hoping Zags and Ducks today…

Marathon Maniac…

Many thanks to my former client Queen of Squats for sending me the following highly inspirational story/link…Hopefully you’ll take a few minutes to read about a man’s journey of running 7 marathons in 7 days on 7 different continents…yes, you just read that fucking correctly…how is that possible logistically, you might think…well, it is apparently…and guess what..??  He won them all…with ease…

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/dc-sports-bog/wp/2017/01/30/it-made-me-question-my-sanity-every-day-michael-wardian-sets-record-in-seven-marathon-challenge/?utm_term=.6d653b7c01ae

To start, obviously, his outfit is an issue with me…come on loser, you’re making this way too easy…the tank-top, the short shorts, the goofy hat, the knee-high socks (although I don’t think they’re socks, but some sort of calf compression gear that’s all the rave right now..), the multi-colored sneakers (which are actually okay in my book..)…looks like this guy weighs about 105 lbs soaking wet…just about what I expected after reading about what he did…

My initial reaction after deciding to write some sort of post about this dude was to go off about the fact that he considered this a ‘fun’ experience…I had a few examples of what I considered fun, such as hitting a golf ball pure directly at your target…attending a concert of your favorite band and they sound just as good or better than what you’ve listened to all your life…have 3 Aces show up on the base line of a video poker machine followed by the ‘multiplier’ starting to buzz, etc…I probably would’ve thrown in a few more and went into more detail than above before re-reading the article and disappointingly found at no point did skinny-ass mention the 7-continent experience as being ‘fun’…what a shame…I did find something to relate to though…bear with me a bit as I lead you up to it…

I’m pretty sure all of you who read this know that I wrestled a vast part of my childhood through high school.  Love the sport, but let me tell you, it’s not fun, not even fucking close…soccer was fun to play, wrestling definitely wasn’t…There are a multitude of reasons for this…The one I’ll focus on is the ‘weight cutting’ involved in it…this is no secret that wrestlers lose vast amounts of weight to wrestle in a lower weight class than they actually weigh…in most cases, a much lower weight class…I won’t bore you with why this takes place…The fact is it sucks and it totally consumes your life…all you think about is how much ‘over’ you are (how many pounds over the weight you need to weigh..), how many pounds that half a piece of chicken, 21 green beans, tablespoon of mashed potatoes and 6oz of water you had for dinner just put on you, how you can’t wait to go to the bathroom to lose any amount of weight possible (it’s true..)…when you wake up in the morning, you can give a shit about the Trigonometry test you have that day or how your girlfriend is…all you’re worried about is how much ‘over’ you are (being ‘under’ is unheard of, unless it’s a few hours before weigh-ins..)…yes, it’s a sickness, no doubt…all wrestlers who cut significant amounts of weight know about all these feelings, plus a thousand more…Add to the fact you feel ‘sucked out’ 24 hours a day (even when you’re sleeping) and you have it all…Oh, sorry, let me define — ‘sucked out’ refers to basically having no energy all the time, you look (face pale and drawn-in) and feel like total shit, your legs get fatigued just walking up 2 flights of stairs, you’re fucking tired and irritable…get the picture…oh, you also have to look forward to putting on multiple sweatshirts to make your way down to an over-heated wrestling room tucked in the furthest depths of hell/your high school to practice with/sweat all over other teammates with the same wardrobe multiple times a week with zero energy…God, doesn’t all this sound like fucking fun…??

But you know what, there is light at the end of the tunnel and something to look forward to…EATING…yes, the basic human function, EATING…and of course, drinking something with flavor and sugar other than water..(I actually remember craving the most unappealing beverages ever…like diet ginger ale, diet lemon-lime Rite soda, cranberry juice…in other words, shit I would never fathom to drink otherwise).  Back in my high school days, we wrestled every Wednesday and Saturday evening…one match against one other team…(don’t even get me started about the ridiculousness of what high school wrestling has become these days…at least here in Virginia)…win or lose, all wrestlers knew what was coming later those evenings…a complete gorge-fest…granted, you ate and drank after you weighed in, but not that much, as you did have to wrestle another ‘sucked out’ human being in a few hours…I specifically remember Wednesday evenings as we (the team) usually didn’t go out after the meet as we did have school the next day…I went home with my parents, talked about my match briefly, and most importantly, ate my face off…Mom and Dad were always very gracious and offered to buy me/cook anything my little heart desired as they saw first-hand how miserable their son was most of the time during the season…sorry Mom and Dad, I apologize for being a complete dick…They would usually offer me my favorites — meatball sub with cheese, pizza, cheese calzones, vanilla milkshakes, burgers, fries, pasta, whatever, you name it…Although all those sound scrumptious (it really is a word..), I always craved something else…I would say, ‘you know what Mom, if you and Dad want to order a meatball sub and a large extra-cheese pizza from Antonio’s, that sounds great.  But I’m totally craving a grilled market garden salad with light balsamic vinaigrette dressing on the side with extra cucumbers and radishes…and make sure you have them slice some small onion pieces in it as I know I won’t taste them…they’re only in there to add flavor (at least one person is laughing now..)…Man, I would devour those salads like there’s no tomorrow…I couldn’t get enough of them…sometimes I would even ask for an additional side salad with oil and vinegar dressing with cherry stone tomatoes sprinkled in as well…talk about living on the edge…I knew I’d be totally ‘over’ the next morning, but those fucking salads certainly hit the spot and I went to bed happy and fulfilled…only to wake up the next morning feeling fat and ‘over’weight…and thus, the psychotic and dismalness started all over again for a few days….

YUMMY…(for those of you unfamiliar with what a salad looks like…)

Now, if you didn’t read the article above about the running man, you have no fucking idea about what I just wrote…and why it should’ve been somewhat funny…shame on you…

Did I Ever Mention…

…how much I love refereeing…District finals, 195lbs…so glad I was part of this viral video…a shame we can’t get footage of what happened afterwards…I actually feared for my life for about 10 seconds thinking I might get stabbed…..too many horror movies I guess….

Falcons…

…the ‘assaulter’ won the match by the way…not after that though…

(I really hope you guys can open this huge 7 second video…it doesn’t appear on my end that you can…I suck at technology…sorry…)

 

 

 

2017 Fitness Update…

Since this is supposed to be a ‘fitness’ blog, I thought I’d take a few minutes here to update you on all the New Year’s fitness resolutions I’ve noticed the past 27 days.  Lots of different and interesting stuff out there…

People continually still…

  • Have no fucking idea how to exercise.
  • Don’t care to learn how to exercise correctly and efficiently.
  • Feel the need to hold on incessantly on treadmills and stairmasters.  Yep, cranking the incline up to 26% on the ‘ol treadmill while grasping the display monitor in front of you is absolutely correct and a huge calorie burner.  Take your hands off for 10 seconds and see what happens.  Same goes for the underhand hold on the stairmonster.  Read my book, I go into more depth on this technique there.
  • Lift weights way too fast and not through a full range of motion.  I can spend days on this one…thank God I won’t…
  • Purchase ridiculous matching workout clothes hoping looking good/cool will translate into losing weight, getting stronger, increasing flexibility, or whatever the fuck else they’re trying to accomplish.  Doesn’t work like that dumb-ass(es)…
  • Stand around and talk way too much to each other when they should be exercising.  At least jump on the bike at level 1 and pedal for a few minutes.  Or better yet, hop on the treadmill, push the ‘up’ incline button continually until it maxes out and then take your hands and….you know the rest of the story…
  • Carry around gargantuan water bottles for no apparent reason.
  • Fail to break a sweat even though they’ve been at the gym over an hour now (how is that possible…if you’re actually exercising..)…
  • Invent exercises which have no purpose and couldn’t begin to tell ya why they are performing them and what muscle groups they’re supposed to be engaging.
  • Wear full-length ‘leggings’ under shorts.  Guys only on this one…My God, what you are thinking..??  You look fucking ridiculous…you’re not a professional athlete…and never will be…This seems to be happening more and more…thanks Under Armour for introducing this fine piece of apparel…
  • Show up with…

Okay, okay, you get the point…no need to go on…looks like 2017 is shaping up to produce the same kind of results/characters as 2016 and 2015 and 2014 and…This is shocking to me as I really thought this was the year America turned it around and got their act together fitness-wise…Yeah right…I’m not holding my breath on this one…

Alright, got that out of the way…On to more important shit…I thought the other day about the fact that this was going to be the first weekend in about 5 months where there will be no football to watch and enjoy…and I kind of got a bit depressed…but only for a few minutes…Remember, sports are great…I gave you a few examples why earlier in this blog…Here’s another big reason…

I purposely left out his lower body as his sneakers, and especially, his socks, aren’t to my liking in this outfit…love the shirt and headband though…

How can anyone not like this guy?  I don’t think I’ve ever heard a person say, ‘Yeah, I’m not a big fan of that Federer guy’…or something of that nature.  Never…He’s a cool cat on the court and although I’ve never personally hung out with him, I’m thinking he’s pretty cool off the court as well…I’ve never played competitive tennis, but know an artist on the court when I see one…He’s a joy to watch and hopefully he can win 3 more sets early Sunday morning to claim another Grand Slam title against his arch-rival Rafael Nadal (why him, of all people..)…Great sports story even if you’re not a tennis fan…As well as the William’s sisters making the finals on the other gender’s side…I’d like to see big Sis Venus spank (not literally) little Sis Serena in this one…

The other reason was this guy…

Oh God, where the fuck is that going…..

…and the expression tells it all…Tiger is scheduled to play the next 4 out of 5 weeks barring injury, I guess…For golf fans, even those who dislike Tiger, this is what we want…When Tiger’s playing, ESPN is scrolling his updated score across the bottom of the screen constantly…How about when World #1 Jason Day, or Jordan, or Rory, or Phil are playing…PPP-leaseeee…tune into Sportscenter 20 minutes in, watch 2 great shots they hit on highlights, and then find out their score for the day…Like it or not, Tiger moves the needle, but unless he shoots 66 today (came in with a dazzling 76 yesterday..), the needle will be dry over the weekend because Tiger won’t be joining the field and will be flying to his next tournament still wondering how the fuck to keep his ball in the fairway…And I’ll be severely disappointed…

Clemson/Alabama a few weeks ago…how great was that (Congrats again Paul)…Another prime example of why we love sports…no need for further commentary…

I had a dream the other night that I couldn’t do one push-up…one God-damn push-up…can you believe that…I woke up and actually rolled right out of my bed to the floor just to make sure all my axons, dendrites, muscle spindles, fibers, and mitochondria were still functional and cranked out 3 solid push-ups…take that sub-consciousness (I don’t know what that means either..)…

Oh, I know I made fun of New Year’s Resolutions a few weeks ago…but I actually made one myself, I really did…It’s quite simple — play more golf this year…I had such a great time playing New Year’s Eve in 30-degree, 25MPH winds that I feel it needs to be replicated more in 2017…Dancing around like Justin Bieber listening to my I-pod (while playing) is something no one needs to see besides myself though…Only true ‘readers’ will get that reference…

Lastly, who the fuck orders a chocolate milkshake with extra whip cream to drink at 6:05 in the morning…

Thus concludes my 2017 fitness update…

 

 

Year number 2017 has begun…

…So I went shopping for a new pair of casual black shoes this afternoon to wear to all the casinos, cigar bars, strip clubs and hostels I visit throughout the year. I had a gift card from Macy’s, so I decided to take my ass over to the fabulous Dulles Mall minutes from my house. Let me get this out there first: like most cool, heterosexual males, I don’t enjoy shopping one bit. My goal is to get in and out of there as quickly as possible while still purchasing what I set out to purchase. God forbid I have to visit another fucking store to shop…

Okay, so after wandering around for about 10 minutes trying to find the “men’s” department (it’s on the bottom floor, by the way..), I approached the shoe section and saw a plentiful selection. No doubt I’ll find a pair here. What I also saw was an old fucker pretending to look busy while not dropping dead on the spot. ‘Oh great’, I thought, this old bastard is going to pester me the entire time as there was not another soul in sight. So I saunter up to the department and start browsing. They pretty much all look the fucking same if you ask me…the deciding factor was going to be less than 3 digits to the left of the decimal point in the price…an 8 or 9 in a 2-digit number wasn’t going to fly either…the brand name was no factor whatsoever…Did I mention they all looked the fucking same..?? Well, the exact opposite happened as to what I was expecting…the old geezer wanted nothing to do with me…never said a word until about 5 minutes in as I had to come within 4 feet of him to look at 8 more pair of the same looking shoes…he then throated, ‘you doing okay?’ Hell yeah, just keep ignoring me until I ask you to go fetch me a few pair of the same looking shoes…I found this a bit strange as I assume this guy is working on some sort of commission and should be thrilled to have something ‘real’ to do…perhaps I’m wrong on this assumption…Anyway, I found 36 pair that I liked, but asked him for one specific pair to hunt for. He didn’t entirely look annoyed when I interrupted him, which was a pleasant surprise…after a few minutes, he returned empty-handed and informed me that ‘the system’ said they don’t have them. Okay, strike one…I found 2 others that looked the same in my price range, so I bugged him again. This time, after 180 seconds or so, he came back with 2 boxes. He gave me the boxes, informed me he also had a size 8.5 in one of the styles, returned to pretend to do something, but most importantly, left me alone. I tried on the shoes and determined the (size) 8 felt good (I usually take an 8.5 though..), but I should probably ask for the 8.5 just to be sure…so this made Ronald (his name tag at least said that..) put a few more steps on his Fitbit (God no, he wasn’t wearing one..) searching out my request. They turned out to be a bit loose, so I decided on the 8’s. Not too bad, I think this whole process took about 13 minutes thus far. I told my servant my request to purchase and he led me to the register. I could tell I totally fucked him up as I handed him my $50 gift card. He blankly looked at it for a second trying to process how to proceed on his touch-screen. The shoes (which looked the same as some others) were regularly $90, but were on sale for $79.99 (not $80, $79.99..). I decided to not use my other $50 gift card and pay the rest in cash. Poor Ronald was totally screwed now…He managed to get the gift card through and then asked if I had a Macy’s card…DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A FUCKING MACY’S CARD RONALD…that was a negative, but I can tell by his screen that it still gave me the extra 15% discount…sweet, I’ll take it…now I owed him $22.07…I gave him $25…’Gosh-darn-it’ was the next thing I heard as something was not letting him proceed on his screen…Perhaps it figured out I didn’t possess an all-important Macy’s card…a few more minutes passes as Ronald used the same 3-syllable slur a few more times…I totally expected him to have to go and find someone to help him, but my man came through by cancelling the initial transaction and then processing the store’s Macy’s card first, followed by my gift card. Poor Ronald then had to pull out his handy-dandy calculator to figure out he owed me $2.93 back…such a sweet kid…Not sure why the register couldn’t do that complex math…Either way, those few extra minutes spent by Ronny trying to buck the system saved me a few dollars…hopefully they went directly into his pocket as he looked like he could use a solid meal…Mission accomplished…new pair of shoes without spending an eternity in the store…

Oh, Happy New Year, by the way…I guess as a fitness blog I was supposed to write about New Year’s Resolutions and starting an exercise program and eating healthy and getting in shape and whatever…why can’t you do all that shit in April or September…New Year’s Resolutions…what a fucking waste…

Okay, now you know where I stand on that subject…don’t ya want to see the new shoes I purchased from Ronald…here ya go…

Pretty fucking awesome, huh…..