Category Archives: Scary shit

Each and every one…

…of us are proud of something we’ve done in our lives that our friends and family don’t know about because we simply keep it to ourselves…it’s hidden deep in our souls (I don’t know what that means either…) that we think about every so often…For instance, it’s me beating Chad Earnest in wrestling when I was 10 years old…we met in the Northeast AAU Regional final…I walked on the mat with my velcroed (Kanga) Roos sneakers (not wrestling shoes, mind you…), while Chad took the mat looking like he was wrestling in the NCAA finals…no one in the crowd of 23,000+ thought I could pull it off…but with some slick grappling prowess, I was on top of a 9-7 (or something like that..) decision when the final whistle blew…I had my hand raised, walked over to my coaches corner, had my ass slapped by my Dad (while uttering ‘good job’) and Coach Harris, and life went on…I proceeded to lose to Chad the next time we wrestled as I learned how good he really was and was totally intimidated…that was a real problem in my early wrestling career…Anyway, if you’re reading this Chad, let’s get together for a beer and catch up…it’s been a while…I hope all is well…

I mention the previous paragraph for no reason whatsoever…I just wanted to be cocky and arrogant…that’s a lie…Last year when I was crafting my Halloween post, I thought to myself, ‘this is pretty good, I think people will enjoy it’…I received several responses verifying my thoughts…thank you Julia, Amy, Clem, Rebecca, etc…The following is a complete re-post for the thousands of people who weren’t with me last year…I’m a huge horror movie fan, but realize the product just isn’t what it used to be …Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need tons of blood and gore to give a 5-star rating, but give me something please…I wish I could update the following list, but sadly, and predictably, I can’t…The Gallows (which I reviewed here previously) was decent, but has no right to join the top 6…A friend of mine, Nato, mentioned one morning at work how good The Conjuring 2 was when he saw it…he specifically told me it wasn’t like all the other shitty horror movies that are released these days…I saw the original The Conjuring (I know, it doesn’t read correctly..), which got rave reviews, and told him if it was anything like the first, it’s most likely terrible…he assured me it wasn’t, and that it had plenty of ‘scare’ and suspense…Guess what, I watched it a few months ago…and it fucking sucked, just like the 1st one…the fact that it was over 2 hours long certainly didn’t help my rating either…my God, what are the producers/writers thinking with these scripts…

I rarely will watch a movie I’ve already seen, but treated myself Friday night to the remake of Halloween, Rob Zombie style…I mention this below, but WOW, really fucking good…Michael activated a few more fast-twitch muscle fibers in this one…he’s a bit quicker on the chase…his beat-up mask is awesome as well…and the music, well…nothing better…

Okay, I’m done rambling…I wasn’t supposed to write this much as an intro…the 2nd paragraph you’re about to read (hopefully you’re still with me..) is another example of a quality run-on, fragmented masterpiece I’m proud of…I truly believe it sums up today’s horror movies accurately…the following is from last year…

(I’m sorry, I can’t get it to format like I want…after 45 minutes, I give up…the pictures are much more intimidating when larger…perhaps though, it looks normal on anything other than Windows 10…)

 

On one of the most wonderful holidays of the year, I’m going to go in a little different direction and offer some personal tips for spending Halloween in the safest and healthiest of ways.  We all know candy is abound on All Saint’s Eve, so let’s go through some of the misconceptions about what types of candy bars are suitable and what types of ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JOHN…yes, I know you’re thinking that and you’re absolutely right, I’m not going there…

Although I haven’t really enjoyed Halloween and all its wonderful festivities since I was about 12, I am a big horror movie guy (even though todays’ movies suck…) and will waste $1.29 (actually it’s $2.19 for BluRay, I’ve been splurging..) in Redbox every time a recent supposed-scary movie is released.  They’re all about the same shit these days — a stupid, happy, recently married couple (one of them is always some sort of writer..) who always has at least 2 kids (one male, one female is a given..) moves into a house that had some sort of traumatic mass murder/devil possession/gang rape/mass suicide in it years ago.  After somewhat unpacking (kids are yelled at constantly during this because they’re fucking lazy..), they start hearing sounds at night, no one believes it at first, the sounds continue, one or two people believe it, but the others don’t because they’ve invested so much in this house, they just can’t leave, shit starts moving by itself, creepy images/tiny people appear (but you really have to look closely to see them…), one of the kids starts becoming possessed, the other kid notices it, the stupid parents don’t, more shit moves around, and the ending always offers something that embraces a sequel being made…fucking blah, blah, blah…It turns out to be the same 87 minutes over and over again, just with different C-level actors and creepy music…I’m looking forward to The Gallows, which should be out soon.  I think it lasted 78 hours in the theaters months ago…It doesn’t appear to have a plotline like above, but I’m sure it will suck nonetheless in its own special way…

Okay, down to business and time to freak the ladies out.  Here are my favorite scary movies in order with a nice, cute, soothing picture to accompany them, along with my ever-so-interesting commentary about the entire series in general.  I’m not naming them, I think you guys can figure it out.  Ready…

6.

The first one was scary but they went completely downhill after that to the point where Freddie was a comedian by the 9th one and trading jokes with Jason (yet to come...).
The first one was very scary but they went completely downhill after that to the point where Freddie was a comedian by the 7th version and trading jokes with Jason (yet to come…) while fighting each other.  Always thought Freddie looked malnourished and needed to add a few pounds.  Too frail to be intimidating…

5.

Just way too many of these, especially when Jason was a New York city tourist in the 8th one -- WHAT THE FUCK -- a classic figure so had to make the list
Just way too many of these, especially when Jason was a New York city tourist in the 8th one — WHAT THE FUCK — a classic figure, so had to make the list.  To this day, if someone says the name ‘Jason’, I think of the guy above.  By the way, the most kills in any of these movies was 27…wow…great writing there…

4.

This was a tough choice between being #3. I really thought they were cleverly done with humor and enough chill and gore to keep your interest. The opening scene in the original with Drew Barrymore getting hacked was awesome. If that didn't get your interest, something's wrong...
This could’ve easily been #3, tough choice. I really thought these movies were very cleverly done with humor and enough chill and gore to keep your interest. The opening scene in the original with Drew Barrymore getting hacked and strung-up was shocking and awesome at the same time. If that didn’t catch your interest, something’s wrong…

3.

Let's forget there were actually ones made after the original. Can't believe my parents used to let us watch this when we were 10 or so years old. Simply chilling and even scarier today. Regan was the real-deal bitch if you ever saw one.
Let’s forget there were actually more of these movies made after the original. Don’t even bother with them.  Can’t believe my parents used to let us watch this when we were 10 or so years old. Simply chilling and even scarier today. Regan was the real-deal possessed bitch if you ever saw one.  What she did with the cross in the middle of the movie wasn’t very nice though…

2.

Simply loved these movies. First one was so unique that my girlfriend and I turned to each other at the same time about a half-hour in and said, 'holy fuck, is this good or what'. I swear it happened. I can watch all the traps in each movie all day. I know, I'm a sicko...
Simply loved these movies. First one was so unique that my girlfriend and I turned to each other at the same time about a half-hour in and said, ‘holy fuck, is this good or what’. I swear it happened. I can watch all the ‘people’ traps in each movie all day. I know, I’m a sicko…Loved when this fucker above made an appearance on his tricycle as well…so cool and so well thought-up…FANTASTIC!!

1.

The original is probably the best horror movie ever made. Michael, the music, the anticipation, nothing better. Although there were a ton of these made as well, they never go ridiculous like having Michael take a vacation to Aruba to terrorize people. Don't sleep on the remakes either, they were damn good as well. Michael will always be the man...
The original is probably THE best horror movie ever made, hands down. Michael, the music, the anticipation, the creepy music, Dr. Loomis, nothing better. Although there were a ton of these movies made as well, they never got ridiculous like having Michael take a vacation to Aruba to terrorize people. All of them are fucking scary if you don’t think about it being the 9th one in the series.  Don’t sleep on the remakes either, they were damn good (especially the 1st one). Michael will always be the man…but you already know that…I’ve mentioned it before…

 

Care to add any?  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (all 7 of them..), I Know What You Did Last Summer, Urban Legends, and The Ring are a few others that come to mind for me.  Samara was quite the cutie crawling through the TV in the latter mentioned here.  This could’ve quite possibly been my most informative FITNESS blog post ever, agree..??

HAPPY HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

 

Skimpy clothes…

Normally, I would have no problem seeing an attractive, fit female wearing the title above in a gym setting.  Unfortunately, there aren’t many females who fit both these qualifications.  Sorry, you know I tell it like it is, but it’s the sad truth…

I’ve recently come across a woman who fits the criteria laid out above.  She’s fit, she’s attractive, and she definitely wears skimpy clothing the majority of the time she’s exercising.  She might be some sort of group fitness instructor as I might have seen her leading a class one time, but that doesn’t excuse her of what I’m about to present.  If I had to guess, I’d have to say Skimp is most definitely in her mid-to-late 40’s.  Might have even hit the half-century mark.  She looks great, no doubt about it.  I have no earthly idea if she’s a mother or not, but this is where the post originated in my head.  This is, in addition to the fact that her ass is practically hanging out of the skin-tight shorts she’s always wearing.  They can’t possibly get any fucking shorter, believe me…Again, let me re-emphasize this, normally not a problem for me.  This is the short conversation I would like to have with this lady…

Me:  (after some small talk) Do you have any kids?

Skimp:  (gushing because she’s so proud of her offspring..) Yes, I do, a son and a daughter…

Me:  Wow, how old are they?

Skimp:  (still gushing, even more now, so proud..) My son is 21 and my daughter is 19.

Me:  Hmmm, how would you like your 19-year old daughter to be traipsing around the gym or around campus dressed like a complete fucking slut like you are..??

Skimp:  (suddenly not gushing…totally different expression on her face now as well…) …………

Yep, I have a feeling that would be the end of that conversation.  A grown woman should not be dressed like that, period.  I don’t give a shit how good she looks.  Put some real clothes on honey and act like an adult, not a 25-year old bimbo looking for the attention of the entire gym.

Okay, I’m done…I’m off to see The Jungle Book…yes, you read that correctly….

In honor of today’s date, here ya go…..

happyfridaythe13th

 

THE GALLOWS

Those of you who actually read (and not just skim for the wonderful pictures..) my posts thoroughly might have remembered I was looking forward to seeing the next horrible horror movie to come out on DVD.  Well, I picked it up on Friday and was right and wrong about my predictions.  I was correct in predicting that it wouldn’t be about a so-called haunted house that a happy-go-lucky family moves into only to be terrorized by pretty much nothing while one of their family members becomes possessed.  Did I mention that a lot of shit moves around by itself during these 85-minute yawners…you might jump once or twice, but that percentage needs to be higher for me to give my approval…

Where I was incorrect (and gladly) was it actually didn’t suck.  I texted a buddy near the end and said, ‘I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but you need to see this movie..’  And I really meant it.  If you can get through the first 30-40 minutes, the final 30 was chilling in my book.  And I rarely give the ‘chilling’ rating for any so-called ‘scary’ movie these days.  What  you also have to get through is it was another ‘Blair Witch camera-moving-all-over-the-fucking-place-the-entire-time’ movie.  I do recall seeing the previews now, but didn’t remember that aspect as I started watching it.  For the first 5 minutes, it was fitting and set the tone…then it continued for the next 5 minutes and I thought, ‘well, maybe they’re just transitioning out of it slowly’…then by the 15-minute mark, I realized I was stuck listening to this douche-bag narrate for the entirety…Actually, he’s pretty funny at times and some of the later angles and images it produces are really well done…and frightening…

I won’t say any more and ruin it for the 3 people who might actually watch it, but again, bear with the first half as I’m sure you’ll say to yourself several times, ‘what the fuck, this is a horror movie I’m watching here..??’  You might not say it exactly like that, but keep your eyes peeled (Scooby Doo reference..I think..) and watch closely at times…you don’t want to miss anything…Enjoy..!!

Thanks for reading another wonderful information-packed fitness blog!!

the-gallows-7[1]
Great scene, but not the best…this is Kathie Lee Gifford’s daughter by the way…she’s a real cutie…uh-oh…………….